Category Archives: Soccer

Soccer News

Kim Jong-Un to Play for North Korean Soccer Team in World Cup

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

The FIFA World Cup has officially kicked off, and teams are eager to represent their nations. Most politicians sit back and hope for the best for the team representing their country, but others are not as content to sit on the sidelines. Kim Jong-Un has announced that he will be taking the spot of goalie for the North Korean soccer team during their time in the World Cup. The announcement was only made today, but tensions have already risen between Jong-Un and his new teammates.

“I was told he would be on the team, and if we lost, we lost a finger.” Said a team member who wished to remain anonymous. “I am not sure how to play with that kind of stress.”

It is unclear if Jong-un has any experience in the soccer world, but in the confidence department he is doing very well.

“I will kick the ball, or grab it, or stop it. It should be simple. I am a very complex man, so this will be easy.” Said Jong-Un. “No one in North Korea would ever tell me no, so I do what I want, and I want to be a goalie.”

Jong-Un is scheduled to play in North Korea’s next match, and fans of his in North Korea, as well as soccer fans in other countries, are anxious to see how his skills fare against the best players in the world.

“I fear nothing, if a man wants to kick or throw his balls at me, I have no fear. I have taken harder hits in life, and this is a sport that I feel that I can dominant in.” Said Jong-Un.

It has been reported that Jong-Un will be receiving the highest salary in the team’s history, and his other teammates have decided to take a pay cut to have him on the team. The pay cut was forced, but Jong-Un claims he is proud of his players for staying so modest.

Headlines, News, Soccer

FIFA World Cup Committee Banning Teams That Refer To Sport As ‘Soccer’

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

ZURICH, Switzerland –

Some truly bitter news for soccer fans was reported today. After a few years of debate, the board of trustees for the world cup committee have come to an agreement, one that will hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.

It has been reported that they feel that it is disrespectful to call something that it isn’t, and would never do this in any other sport.

“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it.” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. This is not a decision that happened overnight.”

The committee said they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, this is one that caters to all nations, big or small. They feel that if most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name.

“Football is a beautiful sport, and I’m not talking about the American version were men grab butts, wear tights, and throw a ball with their hands. I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, were men run up and down the field for over an hour, and hug when a single goal is scored.” Said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.

There has been no official word by the United States on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US moving along swiftly in World Cup play, owners are just hoping they have a chance to officially change the name before they are disqualified from competition.

News, Soccer

USA Soccer Team Ties Portugal On Purpose, Team Bets On Final Score

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

FINAL: PORTUGAL 2, UNITED STATES 2

A game that was thought to be in the bag for the United States of America Soccer team took an unfortunate twist in the last several minutes, as Portugal scored a game tieing goal. The goal was scored by Portugal’s Silvestre Varela, and even his face looked as if he was surprised he was able to get it in that easily.

It appeared that the United States seemed very disgraced by the goal, but it was leaked to the press late last night by a player of the American team that they wanted the game to end in a tie, reportedly to help raise the winnings on bets placed by members of the US team before the game.

Jermaine Jones, a player on the team who scored one of the two goals, told reporters why the game ended the way that it did.

“We made a bet, all of us on the team. We each threw in $5,000, and whoever guessed the ending score of the game right before the match took all the cash.” said Jones

“I myself bet that it would end 2-1, and I was excited when I added a goal, and then Dempsey punched one in. I would have won the cash, and we would have won the game. The kicker is that our goalie bet it would end in a tie with he final score being 2-2. Thinking about it now it was stupid to have a goalie in on the betting because he can control half the scoring.”

The World Cup Soccer Foundation is reportedly investigating the allegations of betting placed by a team against themselves to see if it breaks any of their rules or laws. So far, no reprimands have come down against any member of the team.

Headlines, News, Soccer

Soccer Player In England Murdered For Missing Game-Winning Goal

April 8, 2014 JP Leave a comment

LONDON, England—

That fact that we call a sport soccer, that the rest of the world calls football just shows how much The United States really cares about the sport. No matter how passionate a fan of soccer you are, this is defiantly a story that will be in your head for awhile.

This following weekend during a pick up game of soccer, a player was killed when he missed a last minute goal to win the game. The way he went out was even more bizarre when things started to unravel.

“He told me before the game he had a bet, and would need to throw the game if it was in his hands” said the gentlemen’s closest friend who wants to be known as anonymous.

“I knew he was having trouble with the bills, so I let it slid, because hell it was just a friendly game”

What the now deceased soccer player didn’t know is that there was a much larger bet that his team would win the game. A local “business” man in the neighborhood was said to put a lot of money on the game.

“He is known all over our town as a gambling man, but when he doesn’t get his way, he gets violent” said Officer Joe Goldsmith

“From what I get from the reports, the man went for the goal in the last few seconds, missed, and then the opposing goalie kicked it, and some how scored a goal to win the game. Then, a group of men came and grabbed the gentlemen who missed the goal, and took him away. We found the body hours after searching, the leg that had missed the shot had been cut off.” said Officer Goldsmith

The police are still on the look for the men who did this.

News, Soccer

World Cup Added To Olympics

February 9, 2014 Michael Unknown Leave a comment

Brasília, Brazil —

It is official, the World Cup will soon be added to the Olympics. It will be run as it is, but as an Olympic event. So while your nations team is not only fighting for the World Cup Championship. They are fighting for those gold medals to help your nation win the Olympics. With the add of the world cup, the Olympics is also thinking of adding some solo based soccer events. This is going to be huge, these 2 great things added together is just going to be great. Olympics is where all the nations challenge each other over different skills. It is about time they add the worlds favorite sport. Below we have quotes from both the International Olympic Committee and the Fédération Internationale de Football Association

“We are thrilled to have the World Cup added to our Olympics program. All the other soccer events we plan on adding , we feel is going to take us to the next level. The FIFA will still be running it, but it will be an Olympic event non the less.” – International Olympic Committee

“Well there is nothing to lose here. We still get to run the show, while getting to be part of the Olympics. We feel this is a good move by both our programs. We have also been in the talks of being in charge of the other football events to be added to the Olympics.” – Internationale de Football Association

Well you heard it all here folks. Watch out swimming, running, aerobic, and all you other Olympic events. Soccer is coming to steal that spotlight.