Carbon Dating Reveals Greg Oden To Be Actual Caveman

"FIRE BAD!" Said Oden after being pressed with the allegations

“FIRE BAD!”
Said Oden after being pressed with the allegations

MIAMI – For years now, the former #1 overall pick in the 2007 NBA draft, Greg Oden has been victim to hard luck and difficult circumstances due to numerous injuries. In the past six seasons, he has only been able to play in roughly one season’s worth of games. He has missed around 500 possible games of playing time due to injury. He has had problems with his knees and a broken wrist, just to name a couple of his numerous ailments. Most people write these injuries off as bad luck, a sad twist to a once promising career. But looking from the outside, there seems to be something more behind his injuries.

I’ve often thought that Oden looked a lot older than a college aged kid while at Ohio State. I also noticed that he closely resembles a Caveman. That’s right. A neanderthal.  Don’t believe me, fine, but put his picture side by side and see them close as twins. Go ahead…  Shocking isn’t it? But just looks alone is no way to prove the authenticity of one’s origins or familial DNA. So I had to dig deeper. I first spoke with doctors and surgeons regarding Oden’s injuries. The multiple bone fractures that Oden has endured throughout his short career could be the result of thousands of years of degeneration. If he is a caveman, his bones would easily be lacking the Calcium and Vitamin D needed to fortify one’s bones.

There is also the question about his size. He is 7 feet tall, isn’t that much taller than the average 4 foot height of cavemen? Yes, but experts say this may actually be a point in favor him being prehistoric. Dr. Francis Claybrook, a specialist in cavemen and prehistoric ages, had this to say. “Cave people were quite weary of people that weren’t apart of the, shall I say, ‘typical mold’ being a 7 foot tall human, would’ve caused his tribe and group to ostracize him and drive him off into the wilderness most likely. From there I’m guessing he survived on an extensive diet of berries and twigs for roughly the next 40,000-43,000 years. Until he was discovered as the basketball talent and dental aficionado we know him as today.” How was this found? Through a complex process using old fragments of Oden’s kneecaps he had operated on. Using Carbon Dating almost unanimously the top scientists in their field have agreed Oden is in the ballpark of 40,000 years old.

When pressed to make a comment on these allegations, Mr. Oden said only, “FIRE BAD!” and proceeded to run away, bashing his knee into the podium and injuring himself for another year. At press time, we were trying to calm him down for further comment.

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