whoisgrimm

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During a press conference this morning, commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig announced another major change to the rules of play in professional baseball. This new announcement comes only weeks after the change to the home-plate collision rule, which makes it against the rules for catchers to block the path of a base-runner sliding into home plate.

The new rule, as Selig explained it, will allow all players to carry their bats with them to each base as they run. The change is being made to further the excitement among fans as players inevitably slide into bases and “accidentally” beat the hell out of the baseman.

“It’s a great change for all players, but it’s an even better change for people watching at home and in the stands. We know those 9 innings can sometimes be a nightmare where nothing at all happens. It’s even worse if the games go long. This change will make every base hit a nail-biter!” Said Selig.

Selig, who has been commissioner of baseball since 1992, reportedly came up with the idea while watching the 1990 film Problem Child starring John Ritter. In the film, a man adopts an unruly child, who in one scene hits a ground ball and immediately runs to each base while holding the bat, clubbing the other kids at each base as he goes.

“I saw that scene and I laughed so hard, and I knew that the fans of MLB would laugh, too. Every time Mark Teixeira takes a nut-shot with a Louisville Slugger they’ll hoot and holler. The rule had to happen.”

Selig said he also thought of changing the name of the “home-run” to a “touchdown,” which is what the boy from Problem Child began chanting after making it around the bases in the film. “I knew that the NFL would never allow us to steal their phrase, though.” said Selig. There is no word whether this new rule supersedes the recent home-plate collision rule.

Players are apparently divided on the new rule, with some actually talking about quitting the game all together.

“I never wanted to have to worry about getting smacked in the jimmies with a baseball bat,” said Derek Jeter, shortstop for the New York Yankees. “It’s bad enough that I have to worry about balls flying at my face. Now I have to worry about long, hard wood, too? It’s just too much for a pretty man like me to have to deal with.”

Neither Selig nor any representative for MLB could be reached at the time of this writing for comment.

DALLAS, Texas –

After years of jokes and ribbing about their drivers only being able to “drive 200MPH to the left,” and other “left-centric” jokes, NASCAR has made the decision that for the next several years, all their major events in every city will be raced around the track in the opposite direction. With this new system, they hope to erase once and for all the years of ridicule and jokes, constantly made by everyone from professional stand-up comedians all the way down to Joe the dishwasher at your local Denny’s.

“It is our firm belief that our drivers are some of the best athletes in the world. They are in top physical condition, and their skills behind the wheel are impeccable. We at NASCAR have decided to prove that our drivers can do more than just make left-hand turns for 7 hours at a time. We want to show that they can also make right-hand turns for 7 hours at a time.” Said Mike Helton, president of NASCAR corporation. “This is an exciting day for all of NASCAR, racing, and our Budweiser-chugging group of fans.”

There has been some question raised since the announcement whether or not the stock cars are actually able to even turn to the right, and mechanics for many of the top drivers have been hard at work for hours or even days checking and re-checking the cars, making sure that the wheels can and do, in fact, turn to the right.

“We don’t want any surprises come race day.” Said Brett Motoil, lead pit crew supervisor for popular NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. “We have been through this car with a fine-tooth comb, and we see no reason whatsoever that the car would have any issue steering to the right. At this point, it’s all going to be up to the drivers to make that magic happen.”

Fans of the sport are divided on the subject, many wishing that they would just keep things the way they are.

“My wife and I have been going to Loudon now for close to 20 years, and we always had perfect seats. In fact, if you look close, you can see the spots where our asses have formed little sags in the bleachers over the years, right next to the giant rectangle for my beer cooler. This whole thing where the cars are gonna be goin’ the other way is just horsesh*t.” Said Butch Hartack, a resident of Buxton, Maine. “I’m going to have to go sit on the complete other side of the bleachers now to see everything. I liked my seats. This is just the worst.”

NASCAR representatives had no further comment at the time of this writing.

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