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NHL To Dye Ice Black, Use White Pucks To Make TV Viewing Easier

This digital mock-up shows the plans for all arenas in the NHL circuit. All ice will be dyed the color of a 14 year old goth girl’s bedroom.

After decades of complaining by fans, the NHL has decided to make some drastic changes to their arenas across the U.S. and Canada: They are finally going to dye the ice black for better television viewing.

In a press release that was sent to news outlets this morning, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced the change, which he says will “better suit the NHL viewers at home and in the stands.”

“As we all know as hockey fans, NHL games are fast-paced and often hard to follow. Generally there is a lot of movement happening very quickly, and really the only reaction time is when a team scores a goal.” Said Bettman in his statement. “Since sometimes full periods go by without any scoring, we really want to give the fans something to watch and be excited for. Reversing the colors of the ice and the puck will make it far, far easier to watch the games and follow along with the action.”

The changes will take effect for the 2015 NHL season, and some arenas are already beginning the change currently. What the new policies will put into place is the dying of the ice from the normal color, which is a foggy white or blueish-white, to straight black. The logos and lines on the ice will stay in their normal colors, and the pucks will change to white from black. This will make it infinitely easier for TV cameras to pick up the movement of the puck as it is slapped across the ice, making fans at home feel like they can actually follow along.

Players who were interviewed about the changes this afternoon were ambivalent with the changes, saying that as long as the ice is maintained to its current standards, they were okay with it. Even NHL legend Wayne Gretzky was quoted as saying he thought the change would be great.

“A lot of guys, they get knocked around so much out there, they’re losing vision, everything is blurry. This will certainly help improve the games not only for the fans, but the players, too!” Said Gretzky.

With any luck, if the idea of the dyed ice takes off, we can look forward to the “blacklight” games to be played the following year, during the 2016 season. Those games would be played under 70s-style black lights in all arenas, causing the entire ice, puck, and player jerseys to glow.  So far, that idea is in planning stages, and will depend on how well the current changes work. No word on whether the arena would also be retrofitted with Black Sabbath or Bob Marley posters as well.

Denver Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses on Marijuana

DENVER, Colorado –

empire-sports-marquice-cole-marijuana-weed-overdose-denver-broncos-coloradoControversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole of the Broncos became yet another  documented case of overdose on the recently legalized drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by its street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened through the state to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking, and even  eating, marijuana.

The Amendment in Colorado allows for any person over the age of 21 to have and grow up to 6 “pot plants” at any given time, as well as to use it recreationally themselves, or give it away to someone else over the age of 21. It is similarly regulated as alcohol, but slightly more so – it is not legal to consume in public, although it is fined and ticketed in the same way when driving under the influence of marijuana as it would be for alcohol.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points.” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who try weed have reported. Cole started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

There is a common public misconception that you cannot overdose on marijuana, but as many doctors and specialists are quick to point out, that claim is invalid, as evident here with Cole.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough.” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit.” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“It’s dangerous. It’s addicting. It almost killed me,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “I wish I’d never tried it…[and] to any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL

Teenager Commits Suicide After Learning Wrestling Not Real

MORGANTOWN, West Virginia –empire-sports-photos-suicide-wwe-wrestling-fake-not-real-youtube

In some unsettling news this morning, a Morgantown, West Virginia teenager has apparently committed suicide, filming the entire unsettling mutilation, after finding out that WWE wrestling is not real. The boy, 17 year-old Tanner Husk, was just a few short weeks from graduating high school, when he learned that the “entertainment” part of “sports entertainment” meant that the shows and events were all pre-determined and mostly scripted. He learned this information after a friend at school talked about going to a meet-and-greet with some of the wrestlers before Wrestlemania 30 last month, and that both the heels (bad guys) and babyfaces (good guys) were seated near each other, talking and laughing amongst each other.

Apparently incredulous of the information at first, Husk was reported to have scoured the internet for several hours seeking information about whether or not wrestling was real. Sadly, he of course learned the truth, and it crushed his entire world view. In a video that Husk posted on YouTube earlier in the week (that has since been removed), he berated WWE CEO Vince McMahon for “lying to the people of the WWE Universe” and even called out some of his favorite wrestlers, including Daniel Bryan and The Undertaker.

“I cannot believe that you fakers would mess with people like this. That you could lie to everyone ‘Taker, and let everyone believe that what you do is real…what you do is not real. These feuds, these fights…[they’re] not real. None of your bulls**t is real, Daniel.” said Husk in one of his many recorded diatribes aimed at the WWE wrestlers.

Husk’s mother, Carlene Johnson-Husk, gave a brief statement to reporters outside her home in Morgantown, where she commented on hurt that the WWE had caused her late son.

“Tanner was a bright boy, a smart boy. He got straight C’s all year in school, it was the best he’d ever done. He had a bright future ahead of him.” said Johnson-Husk. “He was going to be someone. He was the first person in our family to hold a full-time job; he’d just got hired for the summer over at the Home Depot. He was a good boy. The Lord definitely should not have called him so soon. He was my whole life, and now I have nothing but his memory…his memory, and his collection of mock WWE Championship belts, which I hope I can sell on eBay for some extra cash.”

Reports are that Husk actually planned out his death, and filmed his suicide, but not until after he apparently poured out his heart to his all-time favorite WWE wrestler, “World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry. That video was recorded, and Husk had apparently planned to upload it to YouTube. It is unclear how he thought that he would be able to do that once he was dead.

Parts of the video not containing the actual suicide have leaked, and Husk’s final words are extremely disturbing.

“When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside, ya’ gotta take a stand. It don’t help to hide. Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride. I gotta be a man…I feel strong about right and wrong, and I don’t take trouble for very long. I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free. I am a real American, I’ll fight for what’s right…fight for your life!” Husk said in his final video.

No statement has been made by Vince McMahon or any of the wrestlers in the WWE Universe. Johnson-Husk has reportedly sought an attorney and is in talks to sue the WWE for “purposely misleading with intention to harm the psyche” of her son.

Justin Bieber Facing Deportation After Fight At NHL Playoff Game

BOSTON, Massachusetts – empire-sports-justin-bieber-deportation-fight-hockey-NHL-bruins-red-wings-game

During game 5 of the Boston Bruin’s first round of playoff games, there were plenty of stars on the ice to bring home a win over the Detroit Red Wings, 4-2. In the stands, though, there was another big star – and he wouldn’t stop running his mouth around the entirely wrong crowd.

Canadian teen pop-star Justin Bieber was given tickets to the game by his management, because as a Canadian it is required that he like hockey. This being a playoff game in Boston, though, it was a horrible idea for Bieber to have an attitude towards Bruins hockey fans.

“He was drunk, screaming at the Bruins players, banging on the glass.” Said Willy Cherie, a Boston fan who was sitting a row behind Bieber. “We paid good money for our seats, and we wanted to see Boston destroy Detroit, and here’s this dumb ass kid, who got in for free I’m sure, and he’s yelling, calling the players names, calling all the fans around him names…he really was out of his mind drunk.”

According to reports, Bieber, who is not even old enough to drink in the United States, arrived at the game drunk, and was denied beer at the concession stand. At some point during the game, members of his posse were able to procure Bieber some unknown alcohol in a flask, and it wasn’t long before the pansy lightweight was completely obliterated.

During a break in action during the 2nd period, Bieber allegedly called a Boston fan sitting near him a “fat ass pice of s**t,” and shoved the fan because he was wearing a Bruins jersey. The fan, whose first name is Tom but whose last name has not been released for privacy reasons, punched Bieber across the face, and was immediately tackled by members of Bieber’s security team, who were posed as other fans seated near him. They allegedly threw him to the ground, where they held him down so Bieber could get a few punches and kicks in, because it would be impossible for him to ever hit someone in a fair fight.

“…And then they all took off in a hell of hurry.” Said Bryan Camden, another witness at the game. “After people around realized what was happening, they ran towards Bieber’s crew, ready to pull them off the poor guy, but the jerks saw everyone coming at them and got out of there.”

Security at the TD Garden, where the game was being held, brought Tom to the medical station, where it was found he had a broken rib and wrist, as well as bruises to most of his face and neck.

Within just an hour, Bieber and three members of his security team were found and arrested where they were brought to Boston Police headquarters for booking. A week later, the members of security (who were all US citizens) are still in jail, not able to pay their bail, and Bieber is scheduled to go before a judge in the Massachusetts Commonwealth District Court, were he will face an almost likely deportation to Canada.

Herbert R. Chipper, the lawyer representing the Commonwealth, gave a brief statement to the press on Tuesday, where he stated that he had a “good feeling” that they would finally be able to rid the U.S. of Bieber.

“Young Bieber has had several arrests in this country since he became a prominent figure. He’s had issues with drinking, marijuana, speeding, car accidents, fights – and this one tops it all.” Said Chipper in his statement. “Normally deportation is reserved for violent cases, such as rape or murder, but when you’re a pompous prick who has the singing talent of a walrus in heat, we will throw anything we can at you to make sure you never set foot on our great land again. That’s how we got rid of Bryan Adams, too.”

Tom the fan is preparing a lawsuit against the pop singer, but so far neither he nor his lawyers have cited any specifics. Bieber has a scheduled hearing for Wednesday, and is currently out on $20,000 bail. If deported, it is unclear whether he will face any jail time in his native Canada, or if they’ll just forget all aboot it, eh?

Donald Sterling’s Girlfriend V. Stiviano Born A Man

LOS ANGELES, California – empire-sports-v-stiviano-born-a-man-adams-apple-stupid-visor-donald-sterling

In yet another development to a story that has captivated the world of sports over the last week, it has recently been speculated that amid all the other controversy, V. Stiviano, the girlfriend of LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling, was born a man.

Stiviano, 31, recently appeared with Barbara Walters on a 20/20 special, where she commented that she didn’t believe that Sterling, 81, was a racist, but that he should apologize for his comments. Comments, by the way, that were made to Stiviano in private, and that she herself leaked to the press. During this interview, Barbara Walters avoided asking Stiviano about rumors of a sex change, despite it being the one question everyone was hoping she’d ask.

“I knew V when she was still a he,” said a friend of Stiviano’s who wishes to remain anonymous. “Back then, V went by the name T, as in Thomas. To be honest, I’m really surprised that no one ever brought this up before. It wasn’t until the 20/20 interview a couple days ago that people started really questioning it. When the cameras are that close, it’s hard to not see the high, manly cheekbones, chiseled jawline, and Adam’s Apple.”

The 20/20 interview was the first time that Stiviano had commented publicly on the whirlwhind controversy that has erupted since she leaked tapes of her boyfriend, LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling, to the press, early last week.

Since the firestorm, Stiviano had been seen in public wearing a ridiculous visor to cover her face. Reports are that she is wearing the visor so there are less pictures of her surfacing on the internet, where they are being scrutinized for her extremely ugly and manly features. The visor is purportedly made of old CDs that looked are part of band Daft Punk’s leftover costumes.

“I don’t feel any remorse for her, him, whatever.” Continued the anonymous friend. “V caused all this drama by leaking the tapes, and we’re supposed to feel so bad for her, feel so sorry…and now she has to wear a mask in public like one of Michael Jackson’s bastard children? Please. People who are scrutinized in that way usually deserve it.”

EmpireSports spoke with a plastic surgeon, who did not treat Stiviano, to discuss whether such drastic changes could be made to alter a man’s physical features, to the point that have fooled nearly everyone for years.

“Oh, it is absolutely possible. There are things you can’t get rid of. That blatant Adam’s Apple, for example.” Said Dr. Jeremiah Klein, of Klein Kosmetic Kare, in Los Angeles. “Cosmetic surgery, though, is generally limited only by the imagination. The one thing I’m sure people are wondering though, is how Donald Sterling didn’t know about this. It must have been a hell of surprise that first night he went out and cheated on his wife with Ms. Stiviano.”

“I tend to think that Sterling was just money to V,” said the friend. “The dude is like 80 years old, but mighty rich. Relationships like that are always for show, you know? If, on the other hand, he did get down and dirty in there, that might be a whole other news story that hasn’t hit yet…If you know what I mean.”

So far, neither Sterling, Stiviano, or Sterling’s probably extremely pissed-off wife, Rochelle Sterling, have commented on the situation.


Preparation H, Makers Of Hemorrhoid Cream, Approach Derek Jeter For New Commercial

NEW YORK CITY, New York – empire-sports-derek-jeter-eyed-by-pfizer-for-preparation-h-commercial-deals

Pfizer, the company behind the drug Preparation H, the #1 asshole-soothing medication in the world, has announced plans today to pursue New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter for a line of new commercials they plan to air by year’s end.

A representative for Pfizer released a statement via their website, as well as through media outlets such ESPN and The Associated Press, announcing their intentions to seek Jeter for their TV and internet spots, which would showcase the benefits of Preparation H, and its helpfulness in soothing that fire so often associated with a burning, polyp-laden rectum.

“Normally we wouldn’t go after someone in this fashion, and we are aware it’s unorthodox,” said Pfizer representative Martha Canon through their statement. “Normally we’d contact someone directly, or contact their representatives or legal team, but we’ve got such big ideas brewing we needed a big splash to get Derek’s attention. We think this is the way. We have a pretty good feeling that he is a user of our product, and now we want him to pitch it for us.”

Preparation H has been on the market in one form or another since the 1930s, and it is not known for its extensive commercials or advertising. This new line of commercials would be the first in a series planned to feature big-name athletes. It would also mark the first time that a major athlete stars in ads on national TV, print, and internet talking about their burning nether-regions. Usually, it is just speculated how much of a pain-in-the-ass a player might be, but now they’d be going on record to fully admit that they are, and have, those pains.

“We knew that Derek Jeter was the perfect player to kick off our campaign,” continued Canon in the prepared statement. “He’s always come across as a real fiery sphincter – especially if you’re a Boston fan. There’s no way that he doesn’t have that burning, itching sensation himself.  Now we want him to tell the world how our products can sooth that burn, and bring some comfort back.”

So far, representatives for Jeter have not commented on whether or not he is interested in the deal. The reported take for Jeter would be somewhere in the nature of $3 million, plus a two-year supply of Preparation H, as well as several bottles of a product that is still in testing, which is designed to not only sooth the burns that may be causing suffering, but also to remove the stick, or in this case baseball bat, that is firmly implanted up there, causing all the trouble.

Pfizer is extremely excited for the deal to take place, and they have no reason to believe that Jeter would turn it down. “It’s a win-win for both sides. We get the publicity, and he gets tons of money and a more relaxed anus. What more could anyone really ask for?”

Pfizer has not announced who else they plan on seeking for future commercial spots, but it is speculated that they also will be looking to court Jeter’s New York Yankees teammate Alex Rodriguez, NBA star Kobe Bryant, NFL player Chad Ochocinco,  and because of recent press, LA Clippers owner David Sterling.

Life-Imitates-Art for Adam Sandler; Has Real Life Scuffle With Bob Barker

empire-sports-adam-sandler-bob-barker-golf-fight-happy-gilmore-life-imitates-art-charity-eventHOLLYWOOD, California – 

Almost 20 years ago, Adam Sandler invited game show host Bob Barker to play a bit-part in his golf-centric comedy Happy Gilmore, wherein Barker knocked out Sandler’s character after the two get into an argument about how badly Sandler’s character Happy Gilmore is playing during a celebrity golf event.

Well this past weekend the movies came to life, as legendary gameshow host Bob Barker, 90, best known for his stint as the host of The Price is Right, knocked out Adam Sandler during a charity golf event in Hollywood. The event was organized by the Among The Stars Golf Association, a charity group that pairs Hollwood actors with children and teens for a day of golf.

The trouble started when Barker, who was not playing in the event but was there as an honorary guest, started ribbing Sandler for his poor day on the course. Barker, who stated after the altercation that he thought for sure Sandler would understand he was just re-enacting their old scene and having a good laugh, stood up from his wheelchair when Sandler came up and got in his face, calling him a “hack” and “a relic.”

“Why don’t you shut the f*** up, old man?” Sandler was reportedly heard yelling at Barker, 9-iron in hand. Barker assumed at first that Sandler was merely teasing, and ramped up his jokes, which only seemed to further upset Sandler. Finally, as Sandler came face-to-face with Barker, it became apparent to him that Sandler was not fooling around, and actually intended to cause harm. Suddenly scared for his extremely ancient life, he reached back and used all his strength to knock Sandler across the face with a vicious left cross, leaving him with a black eye.

Sandler was temporarily knocked out by the blow, and when he came to he seemed more embarrassed by the altercation than anything else. He refused medical attention, and he also refused to talk to any reporters or bystanders at the scene, but several people did hear him muttering “The price is wrong, bi*ch” over and over to himself as he walked to his car.

No word on whether Sandler will be pressing charges against Barker. When reached for further comment, Barker did remind us to help control the pet population by always spaying and neutering our pets.

High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Making Girls Play “Shirts v. Skins” Basketball Games

LEE, Massachusetts – empire-sports-gym-teacher-suspended-shirts-skins-girls-basketball-massachusetts

School officials at Hardin High School in Lee, Massachusetts are trying to handle a whirlwind of a media storm, after word got out this past week of their school’s gym teacher forcing the girls in his class to play basketball, dodgeball, volleyball, and other sports as “shirts versus skins” games.

Greg Creek, a new hire at the school this year, was put on a temporary suspension while the superintendent of schools, as well as the school principal, looked into the case.

“We are extremely disturbed that one of our teachers would be forcing girls to play sports topless. It is highly disrespectful and mostly illegal, as most of the girls in Mr. Creek’s class were under age.” said Superintendent of Schools Melissa Dyer.

Creek, 36, has been a coach or a gym teacher at a number of New England schools over the last decade, and was most recently let go by a school in Concord, New Hampshire, for separating the homosexual students in his classes from the other students, and forcing them to do arts and crafts or sewing, as opposed to sports and games the rest of the class would partake in.

When asked why Creek, who had such a spotty record, would be hired at Hardin, Dyer said that she was not made aware until recently why Creek had been let go by his previous employers, and only that he portrayed himself as a great teacher with a lot of great ideas to keep the kids healthy and active.

“He also was not a giant hairy lesbian, as most high school gym teachers seem to be these days.” said Dyer.

Students in Creek’s classes seemed to be un-phased by being forced to play topless in gym class. Several of the girls even claim that once they started being selected for the “skins” teams, their popularity in school went up significantly.

Molly Hamlin, 17, said that before Creek’s classes, she was just a nobody at Hardin. “I used to be like the invisible girl here at Hardin. People thought I was a freak or something, I guess. I didn’t have a lot of friends.” Said Hamlin, a senior. “Once Mr. Creek started forcing us into the shirts/skins games, boys started noticing me a lot more. I guess once my shirt came off and they got to see this great rack I have, they actually noticed me. My Friday nights are always booked now. I’m so thankful for Mr. Creek!”

Parents are outraged, though, at Creek’s behavior, and most are calling for not only his job, but his literal balls on a platter.

“This kind of disgusting pervertism cannot be tolerated,” said Regina George, murdering the English language. “I am the mother of 3 young girls here, and I can’t believe that we have this man oogling our children’s dirty pillows. I am sickened.”

So far, Creek himself has not commented publicly, except to say that he was not doing anything wrong. “We just didn’t have enough colored jerseys to go around, so I improvised. It was not sexual at all. At least not as far as I was concerned.” said Creek in a prepared statement.

Currently, Creek will be on a multi-week suspension with pay until school officials decide what to do about his position. As of this writing, no legal charges had been filed.

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Announces 2016 Presidential Bid

STAMFORD, Connecticut –  vince-mcmahon-president-2016-annoucnement-wwe-empire-sports

This afternoon in a press conference from his WWE headquarters, world-renowned billionaire wrestling promotor and WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced his bid for a 2016 presidential candidacy. The news comes as a shock to both political parties and fans of the sports entertainment world, especially after McMahon’s wife, Linda McMahon, pursued and  failed in an attempt to gain a seat in the Connecticut congress on the Republican ticket a few short years ago.

When asked about his ambitions in the political world, McMahon stated that he was “extremely ashamed” with how Linda’s political career had turned out, and he felt that as a face people recognize from years on television with the WWE, that he would certainly stand a good chance of being elected.

“When my wife Linda ran for congress in 2010, and then again in 2012, and lost both elections, I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed for her. Linda ran with my full support, although I did not give her any access to my billions of dollars in wrestle-money. I felt that she lost because real pro-wrestling fans don’t pay attention enough to political policy, which she had a strong showing of. All they care about is who has the best looking face and who has the most money. Since my face is already well known throughout the world as a leader in the Sports Entertainment world, it was only logical that the next step was a bid for presidency. Plus, I have a pretty nice looking face. I just want to make up for what Linda couldn’t do, and then one-up it. It’s just how I am as a man.”

McMahon has decided to not run under either major party, but instead to run as an Independent, despite years of staunch voting for Republican candidates. McMahon also went on to announce a slogan of “PILE-DRIVE THE POLITICAL PHONIES,” which he explains is a dig at all other politicians out there who will make un-kept promises.

“With my platform to Pile-Drive The Political Phonies, I am setting out to make sure that no one on either side of the ticket will be out there to bull**** the American people…because if anyone out there knows a thing about bull****ing and crazy stories, it’s me!” McMahon stated, possibly alluding to his status in the WWE as head of storyline and development. McMahon has created and developed nearly 100% of the ‘characters’ in his promotion for nearing 40 years, including winning ideas such as Triple H and The Undertaker, and losers such as The Gobbledy-Gooker and The Repo Man.

When asked how they felt about McMahon as a presidential candidate after McMahon’s announcement, WWE fans had very positive reactions.

“I’ve been waiting for a presidential candidate like this all my life,” said Michael Hickenbottom, a life-long wrestling fan. “If there was ever a man who could lead a country, it’s Vincent K. McMahon. I’m in awe, honestly, that it took him this long to realize he shouldn’t just be making men in tights dance around in a ring like puppets, but that he should be making puppets out of our Congressmen, too!”

As of this writing, McMahon has not announced a running-mate, although it has been speculated that he may choose someone from his current WWE roster, with fan-favorite Daniel Bryan being a highly likely candidate.

UFC Trying To Attract More Female Viewers, Staging Nude Fights

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

empire-sports-UFC-nude-fights-dana-whiteThe UFC, the largest mixed martial arts promotion in the world, announced on Sunday that they were going to be starting an off-shoot of their main UFC bouts wherein all the fighters would compete nude.

“Since its inception, the UFC has always been a “man’s-man” kind of sport. Violent, bloody, and definitely not bringing in the female viewers.” Said Dana White, president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship promotion. “We know that women are normally turned off by violence, but we also know that what women are turned on by is naked men with six-pack abs grabbing and touching each other, rolling around on the ground, and that’s where the idea for our new spin-off league comes from.”

The new all-nude fights will not be part of the regular rotation of fights currently happening in the UFC, but they will feature all the same fighters competing. The fights will all be held under the banner of the UNFC, or the Ultimate Nude Fighting Championship, because if nothing else, the UFC is completely uncreative. All the fighters will have to compete at least once every six months in this new league if they want to maintain their current contracts with the UFC.

“We have decided, too, that the fighters will not be paid any extra for their time fighting in the UFNC. We pay them enough now, with most of our top guys earning millions of dollars, that this is just something we’re going to edit into their contracts to force them to do. The take-home purse will still vary depending on the matches. In the end, it’s all for the good of the sport.” Said White.

So far, most fighters who have been made aware of the new spin-off fights are all for it.

“It’s been my dream to fight naked!” said Benson Henderson, former UFC Lightweight champion, and current #2 ranked lightweight fighter in the world. “You get into the ring, and you’re dancing all around, looking for the perfect opportunity to smash the other guy in the face…the only thing that could make that more freeing would be if I didn’t have to deal with those pesky shorts!”

Male fans of the UFC took to Twitter and Facebook after the announcement, and were not happy with the idea of their favorite badass fighters having to fight nude.

“This sh*t is retarded. They making Cerrone fight with his d*ck out now #UFCWTF” said Twitter user @BigFahkinCack, referencing fighter Donald Cerrone, another lightweight contender in the UFC.

Not all social media posts were bad, with an astounding portion of female sports fans (naturally) all for the idea. Twitter user @SuperWetNHorny said “It’s about time they took the rest of the clothes off those UFX (sic) fighters. #BowChickaWowWow”

“We knew as soon as we announced these massive changes that we were going to be dealing with a social media firestorm from our regular male viewers,” said White. “but we also know that in the end, the men will still have their fights, and now the women can have theirs – and never the two shall meet.”

So far there has been no announcement to any card lineup for upcoming fights, although the UFC did announce that the first official UFNC pay-per-view would be held in May. No word currently on whether UFC will eventually spin their women’s MMA division intonude fights, but men everywhere are holding their breath in anticipation.