All posts by lonelypetunia

High School Football Team Unionizes

empire-sports-Plainfield-High-School-football-unionizes-northwesternPLAINFIELD, IN

The National Labor Relations Board of Indianapolis ruled that the football players at Plainfield High School are employees and can unionize.

“This is a proud moment for our team and for our school,” said starting quarter back Chase McGavin.

The approval came after several weeks of deliberations by the Board, which took into account that the football team generates significant amounts of funding for the school through ticket, merchandise, and concession stand sales.

Sources confirmed that the Board also heard the personal accounts of several injured PHS players whose college playing hopes might now be weakened or even eliminated, forcing them to enter higher education without football.

“We give so much to this school. I think it’s time that we get something back,” said Mr. McGavin, who is receiving a free public education, ongoing guidance from a team of coaches, continued support from physical trainers, and the love and admiration of the entire school.

Final reports showed that, upon paying the high school players, Plain Field High School was forced to cut the funding for the football team’s state-of-the-art weight room as well as the entire swimming, gymnastics, wrestling, tennis, cross country, volleyball, water polo, badminton, and cheerleading team.

Study Reveals All Joggers Unemployed With No Responsibilities

empire-sports-runners-unemployed-forest-gump-bums-beard-lazy-joggersWASHINGTON, DC

A new study from the Pew Research Center verifies that joggers who have the time to run long distances on a daily basis are actually all unemployed with no responsibilities whatsoever.

“Our findings confirmed what many always suspected to be true,” announced head researcher Dr. David Newman. “Those people running while the rest of the employed nation sleeps and those people jogging on paths during the evening commute home do not work day jobs and have nothing to worry about except physical fitness.”

Based on the thousands of interviews in the study, joggers reportedly don’t have relationships to attend to, families to take care of, or any of the other daily obligations that drain the average American worker of the energy necessary to run several miles per day.

“Joggers also nap the entire day and do nothing else.” Dr. David and his team are currently working on a report that shows how people in the gym at 5:00 AM were all born with those bodies and are currently on cocaine.

Michael Sam Looking To Be First Gay NFL Concussion Victim

empire-sports-michael-sam_nfl_concussionGALVESTON, TX

Missouri defensive end Michael Sam told reporters on Sunday that he is gay, and he hopes to become the first openly gay NFL player to suffer a concussion.

“I am an openly gay, proud man,” proclaimed Sam, “and I am looking to enter the 2014 NFL Draft so I can someday be the first homosexual to experience a debilitating head injury playing the sport I love so dearly.”

He further explained that his sexual orientation should have nothing to do with what happens on the football field, and he wants to put his health, mental capabilities, and future at risk just like any other NFL player.

Gay rights advocates cheered the decision to come out, and several civil rights leaders proclaimed that the U.S. will take a giant step forward if he can lay in a hospital bed next to a straight concussion victim and figure out where they are—together.

“I hope that this move inspires any gay children out there to come out, play football, and put their mental development at severe risk.”

Final reports showed that while this move wasn’t necessarily difficult for Sam, he’s not yet ready to come out as the first gay spinal cord injury.