Andris Kirsis |

DES MOINES, IOWA–.

Well, he’s done it again. Not with baseball, not with basketball, but with hockey. Apparently the man just can’t quit.

The legend of the Chicago Bulls, one of the all time greats, has decided to come back and play sports again. He did it with baseball, now he wants to try his hand at hockey.

At first, Michael Jordan had a hard time finding a team to take him. Then he remembered that he was a very rich man, and bought the Des Moines Buccaneers, an Ice Hockey team located in Urbandale, Iowa. The Buccaneers are a first tier team that plays in the United States Hockey League. After trying out for the team before this season started, and ultimately ending up cut, it appears he has bought the team in order to ensure a spot on the roster.

USHL regulations keep Jordan from playing this season, but rest assured that he will be playing on the ice next year.

“I’ve always liked Hockey,” Jordan says, “but have never really had the time for it. Now that I’ve been retired for some time, and have a ton of money to burn, I think I would like to give it a go.”

When asked about the regulations keeping him from playing the rest of the year, Jordan was quoted saying, “I don’t really like them, to be honest. In fact, I hate them. I am thinking about giving a generous donation to the league to see if they will let me play.”

Jordan didn’t comment on his hockey skills during his press conference, but rest assured this happy reporter will be following this news very carefully in the coming months.

It’s mayhem in Iowa City. The chaos is everywhere. Stores have been looted and homes have been robbed. The crisis is spreading across the state too.

While Iowa fans were out drinking to celebrate their momentous basketball win over perhaps a national championship caliber Northwestern, a wrestling match was being shown on the Big Ten Network that pitted Iowa against Minnesota. Naturally Iowa had to win, no?

Except, Iowa didn’t win. They lost a 19-15 (uhh… how is wrestling scored?!?) duel against Minnesota. This wouldn’t normally be a bad thing, as the Golden Gophers are ranked number 3 in the land in wrestling. Iowa fans, however, apparently don’t see it that way. In an interview with some dude who is out in the streets of Iowa City, it was said “We’re Iowa. We don’t lose in wrestling. Since we did, this must be the end of the world.”

We also interviewed a man who owns a small pawn shop in downtown Iowa City. In his statement, he said, “This happens every time Iowa loses a wrestling meet. Hell, it happened earlier this year when Iowa lost to Penn State.”

Because of the constant scares that sweep the state following a wrestling loss, White House officials have begun to consider the idea of kicking Iowa from the union. Apparently Obama no longer wants to send armed troops into Iowa City to clean up the mess.

No word on why Iowa State followers have joined in the madness, but this reporter thinks that they are simply celebrating a rare basketball win.

All posts by Andris Kirsis

Not Again, Jordan! Michael Jordan Returns For Third Time

Iowa Loses Wrestling Match; Panic in Iowa City