All posts by looseink

They call me the token Canadian so in a way I guess I'm one of the imports on the team. Don't judge me because I use the metric system. It's still the 50-yard line if you ask me.

News

Canadian Football League Welcomes New Expansion Team

May 6, 2014 looseink Leave a comment

Canadian Football League Commissioner Mark Cohon announced this week the location of the first CFL expansion team since 1993.

“The league governors have completed the process of examining the many proposals that were submitted,” Cohon stated on national sports network TSN.

“After much deliberation I am honoured to award the newest CFL franchise to the Charlottetown Greenies in Prince Edward Island.”

The new team was expected to move into the Eastern Division of the league to bring an even match of five teams to both the East and West but in a typical Canadian move, the league chose to put the Greenies in the Western Division.

The team nickname is in reference to the historic Anne of Green Gables fictitious character from the novel of the same name by Canadian author Lucy Maud Montgomery. The story of Anne Shirley, published in 1908, was set in Prince Edward Island.

Cohon says there were two submissions from interests in Eastern Canada and while there was concern over the smaller overall demographics in the Atlantic Provinces, CFL governors were sold on the positive publicity the Charlottetown franchise could generate.

“Our last expansion was what I’d call a real football fail,” Cohon stated.

“I can’t for the life of me understand why the league ever considered the first expansion (back in 1993) into the States.”

Cohon was referring to a three-year process that started when the San Francisco Gold Miners became the first American franchise to join the clearly Canadian league. That expansion introduced a total of six American teams to the league with all of them folding after the ‘CFL Experiment’ was complete.

The Charlottetown franchise launched a ‘name the team’ contest with local elementary school students and the Greenies name was the overall winner following online voting.

“I would have been okay with the team being called the Annie’s,” one Charlottetown resident posted online.

“I’m just glad I’m not the team mascot. I mean, what is a greenie anyway?”

News, Olympics

Toronto Boy Plans To Become First Male Olympic Rhythmic Gymnast

May 5, 2014 looseink Leave a comment

TORONTO— If you saw Toronto’s Leo Sung Li you would have no idea what his Olympic dream would be. If you were given a hint about it having to do with gymnastics you may guess rings or possibly vaulting.
Sung Li, 17, is a male rhythmic gymnast.
“I am very good with the hoops and ball but have always enjoyed building routines with the ribbons.”
While it is not all that uncommon to see males compete in the junior level in rhythmic gymnastics, there are never any who go beyond that point as the Olympic Games will only allow females to compete in the sport.
“It is unfair of the IOC to prevent young boys such as myself from being able to move to the next level with a sport we have loved all our lives.”
Sung Li’s trainer and coach, Valeri Spetakus, says they have hatched a plan to get Sung Li to the Olympics without bending the rules or causing much concern from the IOC.
“We look at sex change,” Spetakus said with a heavy accent.
“Sung Li has the talent. He just needs an adjustment of his equipment to qualify. If that is sex change, then sex change it will be.”
The 17-year old gymnast agrees with the idea.
“I have no worries about it as I know I can win the gold but cannot do it as a boy. I have to be transformed into a girl in order to make my dream come true.”
When the suggestion was made that this seemed to be more than an extreme makeover, Spetakus explained it has been a common practice in some European countries.
“You ever look at East German women’s teams? They are not all women. Well, they didn’t all start that way. This I am sure.”
Sung Li says he’s okay with changing his name from Leo to Leona and says he’s rarely called by his name anyway.
“I am known as Feather or Lightfoot as I am so graceful when I perform my routines.”
The IOC was unavailable for comment.

News, NFL

Canadian Football League Introduces Metric Football Field

April 30, 2014 looseink Leave a comment

MONTREAL, Canada –

Football fans watching the Canadian Football League games starting in the 2015 season will see a few changes related to the field of play.

CFL officials are citing these changes as “improvements to the game,” and will start with a complete alteration to the size of the playing field – They will be introducing the world’s first and only metric football field. The customary 110-yard long field will change to 110-metres which is 120.2 yards. The 20-yard end zones increase to 21.8-yards (20-metres) and the field width will change from 65-yards to 71-yards (65-metres).

Other alterations coming to the CFL include a change in the color of the grass from green to magenta (hot pink), with the lines and markings on the field changing from white to brown. League officials claim the color changes will make the game easier to follow on live television and will not interfere with various forms of colorblindness.

“What a crock!” Stated a representative from the players union. “The changes have nothing to do with the fans. The league has been pissed off at players filing grievances during the off-season regarding the distance they run in an average game.”

CFL officials stick by their plan to make the game more fun for fans with vision problems, and explained it in a news release with the statement: “The Canadian Institute for the Blind has endorsed these enhancements and fully support the CFL in leading the way in addressing these issues.”

Former Toronto Argonaut running back Michael “Pinball” Clemons agrees with the CFL union, saying the white- on-green combination has always been the recognized standard in the world of football. “These horrible colors the league is trying to use do nothing more than ‘gay up’ the game. As for these distance changes, clearly the CFL does not want any more records set or broken.” Clemons currently holds a number of those records. “It is a sad day for football when you have to try to figure out where your 30-metre line seat is and why the players are on their fourth down with centimeters when they should be on fourth and inches.”

There has not been a statement made by the union representing the CFL officials, although Clemons speculates that “…The only blind ones on the field are the officials, and colors aren’t going to fix that.”

Headlines, News, Olympics

Canadian Olympic Committee Fights To Make Full Contact Chess An Olympic Sport

April 19, 2014 looseink Leave a comment

MONTREAL, Québec—

Former sex educator and Canadian Olympic Committee member Ivana Vulva has successfully lobbied for support of the COC in adding full contact chess to the Olympics.
Vulva claims that chess has always been an unpopular sport dating back to high school for many Canadians.

“It’s not fair,” stated the Montreal resident.

“I’m trying to use my experience as a sex therapist to add some spice to a game I have always loved, but could rarely share.”

The COC has been fully supportive of Vulva’s movement.

Marcel Aubut, the Chairman of the committee, couldn’t say enough about the decision.

“Ms. Vulva has taught me a lot that has enhanced my private life in a big way,” Aubut stated.
“She has assisted in helping me to get in touch with my feminine side and showed me how I can use the strategic game playing of chess as a seductive tool to attract the opposite sex.”

Vulva’s first step is to have chess brought into the international Olympic arena where it can be contested for Gold, Silver and Bronze medals.

“There are a lot of us still in the closet when it comes to chess,” Vulva says.
“It’s not so much an embarrassment of playing the game, either. I have found in my years as a sex therapist that many people who play chess have deeper issues they are suppressing and one of them is an extremely responsive libido.”

The second phase of the plan is to see various adult-oriented competitions held where the full contact part of the game comes into play.

“It’s not so much sexual and sensual,” Vulva explains.
“I think it would be interesting to see what would take place between say, a Norwegian and Russian when engaged in full contact chess at the Olympic level.”

Vulva was not clear on specific rules of the full-contact variation of the game but stated it is “not some sort of party game used to get girls drunk.”

The COC will next lobby the International Olympic Committee to have chess added to a future Olympic games schedule.