All posts by kctinman

Stephen Colbert Injured In Airport By Marshawn Lynch

empire-sports-stephen-colbert-marshawn-lynch-injured-airportLOS ANGELES– One of America’s favorite comedic political figures was injured at LAX on Saturday, when Stephen Colbert was knocked down by Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch. The beloved host of “The Colbert Report” tore his groin muscle due to the incident, which by all reports was accidental. According to eye witnesses, Lynch was a in a big hurry as he sprinted through the terminal, when he suddenly cut back to his right. That is when he ran right over Colbert, and never even slowed down. “Lynch headed to a snack shop and grabbed up like seven bags of Skittles,” Becky Lewis, a fellow traveler, told us via Skype. He got his candy and went right back to his run toward his plane. I guess he was running late, but I hate to see that poor comedian get bowled over like that.

Colbert is recovering nicely at his home in New Jersey and will miss no time on his highly rated Comedy Central show. We were only able to do a text message interview with Colbert as he is quite busy. “I am going to be fine and I have no hard feelings against Marshawn Lynch. I do have a problem with these Skittles however. If they can cause a grown man, an athlete at that, to go berserk and crash into people just to get to the sugary treats, we have a problem. With my nation of worshipers, we are going to boycott the candy until they go belly up. We live in an age of truthiness, and we are going to let the truth be known about this addictive treat,” Colbert told us. The comedian said that he believes the Skittles are the next thing to Meth and cannot believe they remain legal, much less over the counter. He also stated that he has done a bit of research since his groin injury and found out that Skittles were used in some nuclear testing in 1952. He declined to elaborate, but said that he would release more information in the coming days as the boycott gets rolling.

Lynch heard about the incident, which he never even noticed, as his lust for Skittles temporarily numbed him to outside stimulus, like running over a comedian. The running back went to Twitter to apologize to Colbert then threaten him moments later. “Sorry bout the beast mode trucking I accidently put on u dude.” “Best drop this boycott of Skittles tho bro. Messin w/ wrong candy,” tweeted Lynch. We will monitor this situation and see what occurs over the next week. We can only hope for some reconciliation between the two parties and the candy in question.

Jay-Z Buys California Chrome for $55 Million

empire-sports-jay-z-california-chrome-derby-preakness-triple-crownLOS ANGELES — A rapper and a race horse is not the normal combination in today’s sports world. Not until today, when mega rapper and business mogul, Jay-Z, purchased California Chrome. Mr. Z reportedly paid over $55 million for the Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner. This is great news for the horse racing industry, as they have been seeking some diversity for a while now. Having a rapper who also happens to be black could really open up the sport for an entirely new demographic.

Chrome’s former owner, Steve Coburn, told us while sobbing (his natural state), “I hated to sell the animal, but it is hard to say no to a double nickel in millions. And it is the best thing for horse racing. Our racing community has been pushing to get a rapper involved in ownership for a long time. I could not turn down the chance to give our sport an ethnic boost.” Coburn drew some heat after his horse won the Preakness, saying that the Kentucky Derby hospitality was not what it should have been. Selling a possible Triple Crown winner to a rapper who also owns part of an NBA team, should get him back in the good graces of the Derby crowd.

In a press release, Jay-Z stated he was happy to be a part of such an accepting sports community. “I could not be happier about the reception I have gotten since the news broke. My fellow racehorse owners have welcomed me with open arms. There was the text from Bob, the old white guy with silver hair. The call from Stan, the other old white guy with silver hair. And the email from Connor, the other old white guy with silver hair. These guys have been very supportive.”

UFC Approves Barb Wire Octagon In Certain Countries

empire-sports-ufc-barb-wire-fence-mmaLAS VEGAS– In a move that is meant to boost its TV ratings, the UFC has stirred up some major controversy as well. Dana White announced this morning that they have gotten barb wire Octagons approved in certain countries. The cages will be lined with sharp barb wire, like is used to contain cattle and goats. He stated that there were several countries that are on board with the new, more dangerous UFC cage fights. Some of the notable / infamous countries are North Korea, Somalia, and Zimbabwe. The countries which are going to allow the barbaric cage fights all meet two requirements from the UFC; be basically lawless and need revenue.

White’s reason for upping the ante on the danger level of the MMA fights is simple. “We want to grow the sport, period. The best way to do that is to make fights available in more countries across the globe, and make them more exciting. Barb wire Octagons will draw fans from the worst places on earth. We have to provide next level blood lust,” said White.

Dana White has made it no secret that the UFC wants to take away some NFL fans who are put off by the new safety conscious football league. Even if he is successful in pulling in only 2% of NFL fans who are fed up with the pussification of pro football, that would mean billions of dollars over time.

Getting this new Octagon designed has not been without its challenges. Obviously, you cannot have these types of fights in the USA or any civilized country for that matter. And finding a good company to construct such cages meant to trap two human combatants, has proved difficult, as no reputable company wants to be connected with this activity. Ultimately Haliburton took on the contract for the UFC. Also, former WWE superstar and master of the barb wire match, Mick Foley, has been the main consultant on the cage design. The UFC wanted an expert to make sure the Octagon was designed properly and that referees were properly trained, all to ensure maximum damage was possible to each fighter.

White did an interview over the phone with Bill O’Reilly concerning the barb wire UFC fights. O’Reilly asked a poignant question of the UFC President, “People are saying these new matches are inhumane and furthermore that you are perpetuating the notion that the UFC is basically human cock-fighting. What say you?” “Don’t give a fu*k,” White said before ending the interview and hanging up.

We will have to see how this all plays out. While it is true that the NFL is becoming softer than soccer, I am not sure that barb wire UFC battles are the answer. The ratings will determine what wins out in the end. Will fans go for the reduced violence of the NFL or will they turn their attention to the bloody battles of UFC barb wire matches in the darkest corners of the earth?

UFC Ref Big John McCarthy Beaten Up At Los Angeles Costco

empire-sports-big-john-mccarthy-beaten-up-attacked-jumped-costco-hollywoodLOS ANGELES– Big John McCarthy of UFC ref fame was attacked and knocked unconscious early afternoon on Wednsesday at a Los Angeles Costco. Unfortunately there was no one to step in and stop the fight once he was clearly knocked out.

The assailants were, according to witnesses, two MMA fanatics who recognized Big John and started hassling the well known referee. They particularly had some issues with a couple of fights that they felt were stopped prematurely by McCarthy, according to eye witnesses.

“They were shouting something about an old Tito Ortiz fight back in the day,” said Joseph Goldsmith who saw the fight after buying his 300 pound bag of Cheetos at the Costco.

A mugshot of one of the assailants shows the damage inflicted by Big John before he was knocked out

Big John is no pushover, as he is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt, but these two attackers had the element of surprise, as no one would imagine being attacked in a Costco parking lot over controversial fight stoppages. Big John apparently was facing one of the attackers, when he was hit in the back of the head with a large bag of staples purchased at the big box store. It is hard to recover from that, but Big John did manage to get in his licks. The two low lifes were pretty scuffed up in their mug shots. But there were two of them and only one of Big John. The move that finished McCarthy off was when he was clobbered by a 16 pound jar of peanut butter….crunchy. They caught him right on the temple and as UFC fans know, it was lights out.
There were some witnesses who tried to help the UFC ref but the two thugs were hardcore. Even after McCarthy was unconscious they added some kicks to the ribs for good measure. One witness actually jumped in and tried to wave the two attackers off, saying, “it’s all over, he’s out.” The guy just got caught up in the moment and is an aspiring MMA ref, he was not trying to save Big John evidently. Police finally arrived to break up the beating. One witness, Jerry Gallo, told us, “I am glad those thugs are off the streets, but I feel like the police stopped the fight a bit too soon. Big John may have been out cold but I feel like he could have rebounded at any time.”

UFC fans can rest assured that McCarthy will be back on his feet in a few days. He is recovering nicely and will be back at his training facility very soon. He will be appearing on the Joe Rogan podcast next Tuesday to discuss the upward trend of violence at wholesale store parking lots.

Survey: Men Afraid To Fantasize About Ronda Rousey

empire-sports-ronda-rousey-poll-scary-afraid-men-sex-nudeA new poll, out this week, had some surprising results that say a lot about modern day American men. Apparently men in modern society, here in the good ole’ USA, are incapable of even having imaginary intercourse with Ronda Rousey. The poll conducted by Robertonson Pollsters Inc, found that a mere 39% of American males under the age of 40 were courageous enough to have fantasies about the uber-hot UFC womens bantamweight champ, Ronda Rousey. That means that 61% of the young men surveyed admitted that they were too afraid to even have lustful thoughts about Rousey for fear of being physically hurt during the fantasy. Irrational fear is evidently not good for men’s libido.

This new information, while on the surface seems surprising, is actually a reflection of today’s society in America. We talked to psychologist, Dr. Ethol Ridenall, who backed up the findings of the survey. She did not find it shocking at all that American males were mentally frightened by a fierce female fighter like Rousey. “Young men in the United States have been domesticated by the culture to the point where they are almost a different species from a male in the early 1900’s. Long gone are the bar fighting, hard working, Budweiser drinking brutes of decades past. These real men have been replaced by fake tough guy acting(as seen on reality TV), no-job-having, Bud Light drinking, docile creatures we somehow continue to refer to as men”.

Another expert we spoke to about the subject of the Rousey poll talked at length about the negative effects from Facebook and other social media on today’s men. Ted Mustevey, a writer for Social Media Hourly, said that most modern men under 40 cannot fathom speaking to a girl face to face unless they have “talked” on Facebook already. “These guys have a phone hooked to their faces 24/7, so physical interaction is very different and scary for them. Texting has replaced talking to females on the phone, much less having a real life conversation over lunch. It is really to the point of a phobia with these already weak minded males”.

This new information is not exactly going to raise our county’s status around the world. It is down right disheartening and it is no wonder Viagra is so popular. Buy some stock in the little blue pill if you can. Evidently the demand is going to increase, as men need it not only for reality sex but also the imaginary variety.


67% of Prostitutes Still Willing To Date Donald Sterling According To Poll

empire-sports-donald-sterling-whores-prostitutes-money-v-stiviano-rich-survey-dateLOS ANGELES– A new poll out this morning shows some appalling results when it comes to morals in America these days. According to the phone survey conducted by Griffen Brothers Polling Stats Inc, a whopping 67% of whores would still date disgraced Clippers owner, Donald Sterling. The NBA owner was outed as an alleged racist and a general douche bag by TMZ recently. He was seemingly set up by his “assistant”, V. Stiviano, who recorded Sterling’s rant about her being photographed with black guys.

The poll was taken in light of the obvious nature of V. Stiviano’s sketchy relationship with the 80 year old Sterling. Stiviano is only 31, so I don’t need to elaborate on her reason for hanging with a guy who is half a century her elder. I don’t need to elaborate, but I will anyway. She is a whore lacking in morals, who has sex with super rich guys in the hopes of obtaining a portion of that wealth at some point in her disturbing future, allegedly.

The upsetting poll results show just how far many whores are willing to go to hit the lotto of old man pleasuring. One anonymous groupie from the ATL, told the pollsters that she did not care if Sterling was a racist. “All I care about is that cash homie. If I cared about morals, do you think I would be rubbing up on guys older than my great grandfather,” she stated. Another slut from Miami was quoted as saying, “If the worst thing that NBA owner did was say he disliked black people, then I am ok with that. He is a billionaire, so short of him killing a close member of my own family, I would still date him. And by date him, I mean have sex with him. And on a regular basis.”

There was a time in America that whores had a code. That time is gone forever I am afraid. Only 33% of responding harlots had the pride to take a stand against racism. That number will continue to dwindle until there is not one upstanding whore left in this great nation.

Donald Sterling Shocks World; Asks V Stiviano To Marry Him

empire-sports-donald-sterling-v-stiviano-proposal-marry-engagement-weddingLOS ANGELES — In a move that is likely just a ploy to remove his new status as a racist and a moron, Donald Sterling has asked V. Stiviano to marry him. As a side note, I am kind of tired of seeing this young lady’s first name listed as “V”, as if she is a mega celebrity in need of only a single letter to represent her. Even Elvis and Michael Jackson did not resort to such arrogance and they were two of the most famous people in the history of the earth. Anyway, Sterling proposed to her this weekend at a private retirement party at his home hosted by himself.

Several public relations experts see this marriage proposal as simply a way to rebuild Mr. Sterling’s image. “Marrying the an interracial woman, as opposed to simply using her for disgusting sex, might make the public think Mr. Sterling is a decent guy. The public usually sees through this kind of trick and they likely do not hold this “V” person in high regard anyway.”

I am not sure Sterling realizes he can just go get another young lady, aka whore-like female, who can replace this “V”. There is no need to marry this particular alleged harlot. But he is old and likely losing his mental faculties, along with his NBA team. It is not hard for a billionaire to find the company of a hot young temptress. So what if everyone hates him and thinks he is a racist? The racist thing is new, but people have hated this guy for a while.

In a side story, Sterling is in talks to buy a pro soccer team overseas. It seems like a perfect fit, as soccer may be the most racist sport left on earth, besides NASCAR. Soccer fans would not be offended by anything Sterling does in the future. And it won’t be long before he says something stupid in the presence of an audio recorder once again, I am guessing.


Skip Bayless Converts To Buddhism

empire-sports-skip-bayless-converts-buddhism-religion-espn-hate-newsThe demon child of debate, Skip Bayless, may be looking for a new gig. It seems the loud mouthed, hate filled, ESPN employee is now a practicing Buddhist, according to reports from the always reliable source, Twitter. If you know anything about Buddhism, you understand that it promotes peace and acceptance of your fellow man and yourself. If you are aware of Bayless’s act, then you know he makes a living by arguing and yelling at other people. The Skipper gets into heated debates about inconsequential topics in order to fill up time on ESPN until real programming begins later in the day. The peaceful forces of Buddhism and the vitriolic forces of Baylessism will be hard to reconcile in my opinion.

We reached out to ESPN representatives for comment on the news about one of their high profile talking heads going Buddhist on them. They basically said they had no opinion on any ESPN worker’s religion or lack of belief. But they did hint that any outside forces that adversely affected an on air personality could cause issues with their programming. They would not elaborate, but that is what I am here to do. Basically, if Skip Bayless and his new found faith get in the way of ESPN’s agenda of “moronic debate for the sake of more moronic debate”, then Bayless can be replaced. There is a mile long line of guys who would like to deposit that nice ESPN draw for simply pretending to be outraged at what their debate opponent has to say each day.

Bayless will have a hard time keeping his gig at ESPN if he finds himself just nodding approvingly with everything Stephen A. Smith has to say. I can see it now, Smith would get weary from shouting down a tranquil Skip Bayless who just sits in the Lotus position smiling, and humming. It is hard to have a fake argument when one party no longer wants to participate, but rather seeks enlightenment and wants to hug everyone on an hourly basis.

If this Buddhist conversion is a reality, then I congratulate Skip on his new found happiness. Even if it costs him his fake debate job at the evil 4 letter network, it will be worth it for him. Bayless was apparently a well thought of writer early in his career, but now has turned into a caricature of everything wrong with journalism at ESPN. I would imagine that Bayless has to take a hand full of sleeping pills each night just so his conscious allows him to get some rest. Being an obnoxious jerk can really take a toll on a man. Congrats to Skip on his apparent transformation.

NBA Brings On No-Doz As Playoff Sponsor

empire-sports-no-doz-nba-sponsor-dwayne-wade-lebron-james-sleeping-pillsNEW YORK CITY-

You would think the NBA would be more careful about the kind of sponsors they bring on board. Having for a sponsor, a pill that is intended to keep people awake, might not send the best message about their product. I guess the NBA does not care as long as the money is green, and their new playoff sponsor, No-Doz has plenty of the green.

The NBA is notorious for its never ending playoff set up. There are too many teams involved, the west coast games stay on until the wee hours of the night, and they last for months. They are pretty ridiculous to be honest. What is the point of the Heat playing the Bobcats? I assume this is the point of No-Doz coming on as a sponsor for the NBA playoffs. You need chemical infusions just to stay awake during these early rounds.

We put in a call to the commissioner’s office to get a quote about the No-Doz issue. To our amazement, we got a quick call back, not from a flunky spokesperson, but from commissioner Adam Silver himself. Silver was not too happy about our questions, and was quick to let us know that it was his final decision to bring No-Doz on as a playoff sponsor. “You think we do not know how this looks? We are not idiots over here. Just because old man Stern has left the building, does not mean things are just willy nilly here. I know what I am doing!”, Silver yelled. Silver told us that it was no secret that the playoffs are too long, somewhat boring, are played too late at night, and are ultimately meaningless in the larger scope of life. He went on to say, “Why the hell do you think No-Doz wanted to advertise with us. They do focus groups you know, and the number of people that said they had trouble keeping their eyes open during a NBA playoff game was staggering. During first round games, 83% of males between 25 and 40 years old, reported waking up on a drool stained couch the next morning, with no recollection of anything after the 1st quarter.”

After being berated by the new commish with his stats, we interviewed some NBA fans about problems staying conscious during the playoffs. Henry Rotel, a Heat fan, told us, “I usually have to sit in a tub of ice water to make sure I do not fall asleep in rounds one and two.” In talking with a Hawks fan (yes we actually found one), we got an earful of illegal activities. Thomas Galon, who lives just outside the ATL, said he had never heard of No-Doz before their ads started running during game one of the Hawks v Pacers series. “I usually have to call my meth dealer before a playoff game”. I have even hired a cheap hooker to wake me up when I drift off before the game ends, and also for sex of course,” Galon stated. After getting more responses like the ones above, we now think that No-Doz is the least of the NBA’s problems.

Donald Sterling Hires Johnnie Cochran JR As His Lawyer

empire-sports-donald-sterling-oj-simpson-johnny-cochran-legal-law-courtLOS ANGELES, CA-

In a move right out of OJ Simpson’s play book, disgraced Clipper’s owner, Donald Sterling has hired Johnnie Cochran JR to battle the NBA for his team. Cochran JR is the son of famed legal legend, Johnnie Cochran, who worked his magic for OJ when he had some minor issues involving a butchered ex-wife and her associate. Sterling hopes Cochran JR, who is known in legal circles as “Junebug”, can use some of his old man’s racial card tricks to help Sterling keep his NBA team.

Junebug is not quite at the level of his dad, but has earned quite the reputation for twisting up the court cases he has been involved in so far. He is a civil lawyer so Sterling can use his expertise, because the NBA has basically booted his allegedly racist ass right out of the league. The NBA is going to try and force the sale of his team as well. Before that happens, Junebug will have his say in court. And he knows how to say quite a bit when he is on the courtroom floor. If you thought his daddy had a way with words, you have yet to see anything. This young player in the judicial game has more rhymes than a Bible has Psalms, to quote House of Pain. Little known factoid, JR was the one who came up with the “if the gloves don’t fit, then you must acquit” phrase that destroyed the government’s case against OJ. He was twelve at the time, so he has some serious game.

According to sources, Sterling hopes to use the old, “I have lots of black friends move”, to show he is not racist after all. Junebug is said to also be crafting a gameplan that points out over and over again that the Clippers owner is having sex with his half African-American, half Mexican girlfriend multiple times per day. They truly believe that should be proof positive that Sterling is all for diversity. We asked a Sterling spokesman whether that gameplan would make the team owner look racially diverse or just look like a creepy old white guy who is into hot interracial chicks that enjoy his money. “Oh no. Those two are clearly in love and have lots in common with each other”, we were chided by the spokesman.

One thing is clear, the NBA will have a fight on its hands now that Junebug is involved in the case. Sterling has not spent the past twenty years cheating people, underpaying coaches, and discriminating against low level employees, allegedly, only to be brought down by TMZ. JR released a statement moments ago that could have the NBA shaking in their boots. “At no time on the TMZ audio recording did Mr. Sterling use the N-word. So clearly he is not a racist. No N-word, guy’s not a turd”. We we go!