LOS ANGELES– One of America’s favorite comedic political figures was injured at LAX on Saturday, when Stephen Colbert was knocked down by Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch. The beloved host of “The Colbert Report” tore his groin muscle due to the incident, which by all reports was accidental. According to eye witnesses, Lynch was a in a big hurry as he sprinted through the terminal, when he suddenly cut back to his right. That is when he ran right over Colbert, and never even slowed down. “Lynch headed to a snack shop and grabbed up like seven bags of Skittles,” Becky Lewis, a fellow traveler, told us via Skype. He got his candy and went right back to his run toward his plane. I guess he was running late, but I hate to see that poor comedian get bowled over like that.
Colbert is recovering nicely at his home in New Jersey and will miss no time on his highly rated Comedy Central show. We were only able to do a text message interview with Colbert as he is quite busy. “I am going to be fine and I have no hard feelings against Marshawn Lynch. I do have a problem with these Skittles however. If they can cause a grown man, an athlete at that, to go berserk and crash into people just to get to the sugary treats, we have a problem. With my nation of worshipers, we are going to boycott the candy until they go belly up. We live in an age of truthiness, and we are going to let the truth be known about this addictive treat,” Colbert told us. The comedian said that he believes the Skittles are the next thing to Meth and cannot believe they remain legal, much less over the counter. He also stated that he has done a bit of research since his groin injury and found out that Skittles were used in some nuclear testing in 1952. He declined to elaborate, but said that he would release more information in the coming days as the boycott gets rolling.
Lynch heard about the incident, which he never even noticed, as his lust for Skittles temporarily numbed him to outside stimulus, like running over a comedian. The running back went to Twitter to apologize to Colbert then threaten him moments later. “Sorry bout the beast mode trucking I accidently put on u dude.” “Best drop this boycott of Skittles tho bro. Messin w/ wrong candy,” tweeted Lynch. We will monitor this situation and see what occurs over the next week. We can only hope for some reconciliation between the two parties and the candy in question.