All posts by jlsumme

BREAKING NEWS: NFL Expansion Team Players Among Missing Aboard Flight 370

SYDNEY, New South Wales—

If you have not obtained enough information on the missing flight 370, the crack staff at ES has uncovered some great info that may have you thinking that something else could be the answer.

The US media has gone into a brain overload of false info suspecting anything from a bad pilot to a hijacking. How much crap can be thrown onto this tragedy? All day and night to no end. To dig into the real facts leads us to believe that money may be involved. On flight 370 there were 25 football players from surrounding countries heading to a secret location in Korea. China knew this and will do anything that it can to get a football team with players over 5′ tall. To top it off the insurance head for the missing players happens to be Chinese and a member of the China Government.

Current Team

Players aboard flight 370 were scout team players from many countries including the United States. The insurance policy on these players is worth well over 1 million dollars and if China get it’s way will reap the dividends.

Projected Team

“I would put money on it that China will get a payout from the Insurance due to the crash and also get the players it needed.” “These players had no idea what was going on when they landed in China, they probably thought that they were in Korea.”- Alex Jones

China Lake-Bungho, China

The China government did report detecting a ping from something in the ocean today,but to no conclusion on the whereabouts of Flight 370. China also mentioned that they could release some important information on the black boxes of flights 11,77,93 and 175 if a deal were met;to keep the football players perhaps? The black boxes that defied logic that were never found. Maybe it’s worth the trade.

Hines Ward Possible Brother of Missing Malaysian Pilot

Could Hines Ward be related to Flight 370 Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah?
Hines Ward could be brother to Flight 370 Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah


On Monday former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward expressed concerns that he may be related to the pilot of missing Malaysian flight 370 after several of his familiy had sent photos of the pilot to him over the weekend.

Although the pilot , Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah, was a Malaysian citizen, family of Hines Ward believed that he could still be closely related.

“The resemblance is crazy!” said Ward in an interview yesterday. “My parents mentioned something about me having a brother from another father put up for adoption before I was born.  I really hope they find him alive so I can meet him one day.”

What’s even more crazy is that Hines is an avid pilot and has a flight simulator at his home.

Captain Zaharie Ahmad Shah has been missing since his Boing 777 went missing on March 8th. The search for the plane is still ongoing.

Kansas City Chiefs Make History; Sign First Female Player In NFL

Empire-sports-Jackie-Chamoun-nfl-kansas-city-chiefsKANSAS CITY, MO-

The KC Chiefs, in need for an explosive WR, signed Jackie Chamoun to a one year contact today, making her the first female NFL player ever. Terms were not disclosed but inside info confirms that she will have to wear a complete break-away jersey and modified pads. She will most likely be used as a possession receiver. She has fairly good speed running the 40 at 4.45 hand timed. “She will be a magnet running the underneath routes getting alot of attention.”- Clark Hunt.

We noticed today that she has decent route skills and a knack for the ball, great hands with nice nails. In a pick route during practice she accidentally sent one CB to the hospital with a scratched cornea. “She’s a tough chick, just wait and see.”-Larry Johnson.

We asked many defensive players how intense the tackling would be and most said they would just go for the jersey strip even if it gave up a TD. The second most popular response was that they would go easy and lay with her on the turf cuddling until the ref’s intervened.

“The Chiefs are testing new ground in the NFL, a new idea and a great way to increase viewership.” “If this goes well and we get a few jersey strips, we will see more women in the NFL.”- Len Dawson. Of course if this does work the games will have an “R” rating. Special “boob-zoom” cameras are being tested as we speak.

The “NFFL” (National Female Football League) has already cried foul! They have been in negotiations with the big three networks and will outfit all female players with the break-away jerseys and break-away pants. Their games will also be filmed with 15 “ultra-slow mo boob-zoom” and “super scan butt cams” with pause,reverse,fast forward,still; internet home viewing capabilities.

Jackie’s playing for the Chiefs may just be a little to late. The NFFL will no doubt put the NFL out of business.

Miesha Tate Chokes Taylor Swift In Backstage Altercation

Michael Vick Wins Westminster Dog Show

Shark and room mate Rose in background at Micheal Vick's training facility in Kentucky
Shark and room mate Rose in background at Micheal Vick’s training facility in Kentucky

New York, NY-

Secluded in the back of the dark bowels of the Westminster Kennel club waits a long shot. Micheal Vick’s pride and joy. She in no means was ever projected to make it past the first round of the WKC’s 2013 Competition. Her name is Shark, a 6 year old Black Mouth Cur. She was as Mike would say “a woman trapped in a mans body”. She stands about 2.5 feet with muscles like she is on steroids, with a weight of 80 lbs. and 0% body fat. “Has she ever been in a fight” one onlooker asked. “No but I would feel sorry for the other dog” Mike said. Mike went on to say that the Black Mouth Cur breed is not AKC registered…yet. He was allowed to get her in due to a special allocation in 2013 that allows 2 dogs maximum of undetermined breeds. These dogs although not AKC defined are in fact a breed. Started in the 1940’s,hunters in the south wanted a good scent dog with stamina and aggressiveness. Mike went on to tell us about the lineage of the Cur breed. “There are a few different Cur breeds beside the Black Mouth, the Catahoula, Mountain Cur and a few others.” “The best hunting dogs you can get for wild hogs, coyote, squirrels, you name it they can hunt it.”

Vick, who began dog training classes back in March of 2013, was actually the handler wearing the unusually “un-Mike” clothing. White dress shirt, Black suit and some lame looking black pay-less dress shoes. “You have to wear what they tell you to wear, and I’m just following the rules here.” “I’m a little embarrassed but if my dog gets a win I’m all for it!”

Vicks Winter Rescue Shelter

Mike and Shark made a beautiful run past the judges with the crowd holding their breath. Once done the crowd gave them a standing ovation that lasted 10 minutes which did not please the judges who seemed a little pissed. Waiting at their position as the main judge passed to select the top 5 dogs, the crowd was on the edge of their seats. #5 was Shark and selected, the crowd went crazy! Another 5 minutes of cheering had to be stopped by the judges due to time constraints.

The final had to be delayed due to a Shark encounter that took out the #1 dog with a neck wound. Due to the rules and codes of the WKC, “Any contestant who bites another contestant will not be penalized in any form or fashion due to their accidental discharge of aggression.” The #1 dog happened to be owned by Mike Tyson and was the instigator in this drama.

Shark moved into #4 and moving into the #5 slot was a mangy Toy Poodle. As the final went down the head judge gave the dogs the sinister look they give, concentrating on every aspect of the dog, doing a mind warp on the dogs psyche, starring them in the eyes, picking up scents that the dogs give off, basking in their big time limelight. Boom, #5 goes first, then #3,then #2. Down to #1 and Shark, the judge comes up and does a pat down, looks them both in the eyes and is somewhat mesmerized by by both dogs. He stumbles back to his voting area with the crowd holding their breath again….he’s a little wobbly then all of the sudden he points to Shark! The dark-horse wins it and the crowd goes bonkers and storms the turf, the dogs go wild and it’s complete chaos. No serious injuries but many spectators were bitten by the dogs due to their fight/flee instinct.

Congrats to Mike and his dog and the work done for dogs in all of the rescue preserves he provides across the US.

Legalized Marijuana’s Impact On Football; High Times At Tailgate Parties

Empire-sports-marijuana-nfl-colorado-tailgateDENVER , CO –

Along with the great smell of hotdogs, hamburgers, steaks and ribs will be the overwhelming smell of Marijuana.

The legality of this substance will not only change the pregame festivities but also the attitude of the fans. Bronco’s fan Larry Smith said “This is gonna be wild, being high watching the game live, I hope I can stay awake ’till the end.”

Another thing to take into consideration is the 11th man performance. “I just hope their not in a stupor when we need them.”- Peyton Manning. The Broncos fans are usually in the top 5 generating noise but that could change drastically. Owner and Chief Executive Officer of the Denver Broncos, Pat Bowlen has sent in a request to the NFL for some help with the rules concerning the possible crowd noise or lack thereof. “It’s just not fair to us that with our high altitude combined with half the fans being high, we will not have an 11th man at all.” “We will be the only team in the NFL with this problem.”

Topics that will be discussed will be the use of loud speakers to generate crowd noise, ways to keep the pot heads from entering the game (since it is legal in Colorado, it can be used outside the stadium) using drug sniffing dogs or nose swab testing each fan as they enter.

This whole thing has even more potential problems concerning halftime. The vendors are going to have to hire more workers and increase the amount of product they bring to sell. “This is going to turn out to be an eat-fest not a football game.”- Bronco fan
Vendor Jim Jones stated “I’m really excited about it, we will see at the first game, but we are going to be ready. I expect to double my profits!” When the munchies set in as they lose their high, it could be pandemonium in the concessions area.

Very long lines are expected, so much so that most of the heads will not make it back to their seats until the 4th quarter. At Denver and extended halftime may be in order.
That’s why they call it Mile High!

NFL Rigged; Whistle-blower Exposes NFL For Fixing Games.

empire-sports-nfl-rigged-vegasLAS VEGAS, NV –

Why was this years Superbowl so lopsided? As it turns out an insider that works for Bally’s International was picked up by Las Vegas police on a domestic charge stemming from and altercation with his wife. Upon further questioning the suspect and his wife admitted that they were fighting over his accidental release of the gambling by the NFL in a local nightclub.He had been talking to a stranger who turned out to be to a mafia kingpin in the Bambio gang that had connections with the NFL. They were afraid that their family would be in danger. The police have placed them in the witness protection agency and moved them to an undisclosed location fearing repercussions.

Eric Holder, the Attorney General of the United States was informed of this and was put on as the man in charge. Holder stated “I will look into this as soon as I get time”, “I’m trying to dig myself out of the “fast and furious” gun running scandal at the moment and this petty theft stuff can wait.”

The NFL was contacted by Empire Sports and told that they would get back to us. They did mention to give Pete a call. We contacted Pete Rose, the best third baseman in MLB history and he was very gracious talking about this. “It’s a well know fact for the guys in the know, that to make big bucks, this is a no brainer.” The players are like actors, they are scripted. It’s alot easier in football than baseball. In football they get the call over the QB’s headset or the captain on defense. They are told what’s coming and how to react. It’s very simple. More money is made with the gambling than with the TV contracts. Billions more!

Pete went on to talk about his favorite movie “Pulp Fiction”, “remember the part with the boxer who was suppose to throw the fight but ended up killing the guy? That’s my life in a nutshell, running scared.” Pete now lives in another country fearful for his life and will never visit a pawnshop again.

More to come on this as we obtain information.

President Obama Pressures Washington Redskins To Ditch Namesake Due To Complaints From Indian Rights Activists

empire-sports-washington-redskins-change-name-obama-native-americansWashington, DC—

The Washington Redskins have decided to change their name due to pressure from Indian rights activists and President Barack Obama. Roger Goodell announced today that he had received a call from the President stating “It would be in the best interest of our country to do what’s right for the many and not for the few.”

Goodell said that he was aware of the problem being first and foremost on his agenda. He asked what the President thought would be a politically correct name for such a storied franchise. “Oh, you are a franchise?” Yes Goodell responded. “How can you be a franchise if you don’t pay taxes?”  “We have smart accountants” Goodell replied.

Goodell went on in his 10 minute conference to elaborate what they had decided to do. “I made a deal with the devil to get this thing over with. The deal included a 25 year tax exempt status for all players, teams and anyone working for us as long as the Redskins name is changed.”

Goodell was in a quandary discussing the name change. “What do you think it should be?” Goodell quipped.  They discussed the location, background, history of DC. They decided to put it up for a vote of the people and by the people. There will be 10 names to choose from and the people will decide the out come.

Potential monikers:

1. Washington Monuments

2. Washington Liberals

3. Washington Tomahawks

4. Washington  Scalpers

5. Washington Cherokees

6. Washington Chiweppas

7. Washington Headhunters

8. Washington Mudslingers

9. Washington Idoits

10. Washington Brownshirts

Goodell ended the conference stating that he also received a summons from PETA for using animal team names.