All posts by JP

Alex Rodriguez Demanding More Money

April 9, 2014 JP Leave a comment

NEW YORK—

The Yankees have been through a lot these last past years, and we may be seeing some what of a drought from the historic franchise. With Rivera retired, and Jeter on his way out, these two main faces of the Yankees will hope that their team will keep the legacy going, and continue to win World Series.

With a roster getting more and more slim the Yankees really need to focus on getting the veteran players into more of a leadership mode. They need to rely on some of the more experienced players to take the younger guys under their win, and make sure they help mold the future of the team.

One hard hitting Yankee that isn’t giving the best impression is Alex Rodriguez. Rodriquez spent most of his time on the bench last year due to things so sneaky, we can get sued if we even mention them. The kicker to the case is the fact that Rodriquez is requesting a pay raise even though he will be likely to stay right where he was last year..in the dugout.

“You know most people think it’s hard to hit homeruns in a clutch spot, or make a diving play with 2 outs, and the bases loaded. I’ve learned from sitting out the true test of a baseball player is sitting out for games.”

We asked if this was because you have to watch your team play, and the anxiety of you wanting to be on the field is killing you mentally?

“Not at all, its tough in the dugout, sometimes my legs fall asleep for sitting to long. Also, if it is a day game sunlight can poke through and hit me right in the eyes. It’s frustrating, and this is why I’ve decided to ask for a pay raise.”

Rodriquez will receive the entire budget the Yankees have to pay their players, while the rest of team will be paid in hotdogs, and A Rod bobble heads.

Headlines, News, NFL

Terrell Owens Planning To Get Sex Change Opperation

April 8, 2014 JP Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES, California—

One of the most decorated wide receivers to play in the National Football League is going under the knife this weekend in LA. Wide receiver Terrell Owens will be getting a potential sex change, that quote “I’ve wanted this since I was a little boy”.

Owens who had a colorful 16 seasons in the NFL, will be making this announcement public after the procedure. Luckily, TO was kind enough to sit down with us, and explain why he is choosing to do this.

“It is just something I want done, I think I would feel more comfortable as a lady” said Owens

We asked him towards the end of your season you bounced around a lot from team to team, and kind of fell out of the spotlight, is this a strange way to get noticed again?

“Not at all, I’ve wanted this since I was a little boy” said Owens

We continued to ask him if his sexuality was a part of this, and if he was homosexual.

“Not at all, I’ll continue to see ladies once the surgery is complete. I am not gay, and never had gay thoughts before in my head. The closest I’ve ever been to being gay was playing for the Dallas Cowboys, but that was mainly because Romo was tossing to me.”

After the surgery will you continue to call yourself Terrell Owens?

“I’ am not positive about my new identity, but my name will no loner be Terrell Owens. I want to be a strong black women like Michelle Obama or Venus Willams. I need to come up with a powerful name that will show my dominance.”

Owens did not remark on how his fellow teammates, and family felt about the decision, but did say that no matter what happens to him next, he is ready for it.

Headlines, News, Soccer

Soccer Player In England Murdered For Missing Game-Winning Goal

April 8, 2014 JP Leave a comment

LONDON, England—

That fact that we call a sport soccer, that the rest of the world calls football just shows how much The United States really cares about the sport. No matter how passionate a fan of soccer you are, this is defiantly a story that will be in your head for awhile.

This following weekend during a pick up game of soccer, a player was killed when he missed a last minute goal to win the game. The way he went out was even more bizarre when things started to unravel.

“He told me before the game he had a bet, and would need to throw the game if it was in his hands” said the gentlemen’s closest friend who wants to be known as anonymous.

“I knew he was having trouble with the bills, so I let it slid, because hell it was just a friendly game”

What the now deceased soccer player didn’t know is that there was a much larger bet that his team would win the game. A local “business” man in the neighborhood was said to put a lot of money on the game.

“He is known all over our town as a gambling man, but when he doesn’t get his way, he gets violent” said Officer Joe Goldsmith

“From what I get from the reports, the man went for the goal in the last few seconds, missed, and then the opposing goalie kicked it, and some how scored a goal to win the game. Then, a group of men came and grabbed the gentlemen who missed the goal, and took him away. We found the body hours after searching, the leg that had missed the shot had been cut off.” said Officer Goldsmith

The police are still on the look for the men who did this.

Headlines, NCAA BB, News

Harlem Globetrotters To Play In NCAA Final Four

April 1, 2014 JP Leave a comment

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—

It is that magical time of year for college basketball, March Madness. Hands down the most anticipated event for all basket ball fans, for many reasons. The upsets, the underdogs, and the pure talent that is displayed in these up coming weeks. Almost every year peoples college brackets get tossed, because of a no name team defeating a squad that was thought to be the top team.

If you happen to be among the few people that still have a perfect bracket for the tournaments, you may want to sit down after reading this article.

A huge twist is being thrown into this years tourney as The Harlem Globetrotters will automatically be placed in the final four, knocking out which ever team has the weakest record. People are in a outrage over this seeing how the Trotters didn’t even enter March Madness, or the fact that they aren’t a college.

“The are a great team, and we want to see them compete” said the chairman of the NCAA sports comity.

“Pure talent is what we want, and we want to see if this team can be taken down by some college kids”.

Earlier in the week the Trotters got to play in a scrimmage game against Dayton, and the players, and coaches weren’t happy about the new change to the tournament.

“These kids are playing there hearts out to become something big, it isn’t fair that the chairman would let this happen.” said head coach Archie Miller

“We draw up plays for teams that are in our league, today in the scrimmage I watched a Harlem Globetrotter do a 360, front flip dunk. This isn’t good for our young players ego, they’ve been getting dunk on so much they have bruises on their faces from the opposing teams nut sack constantly hitting there face.”

NCAA FB, News

Notre Dame Kidnaps Midget; Forces Him To Dress Like A Leprechaun

April 1, 2014 JP Leave a comment

SOUTH BEND, IN—

The luck of the Irish is know all over the world, and The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame know all about how luck can impact a sport. Throughout the years Notre Dame has had its ups and downs in the sport world, but this upcoming football season will be one to watch with quarterback Everett Golson returning after being suspended from the school in which was called “a poor academic mistake”.

With the freshman Golson at quarterback, the Irish completed the regular season undefeated, putting the in the number one spot. Things were looking very good for the Irish until facing Alabama in the National Championship, where they got blown out.

With Golson returning and a very hungry Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly is going to do everything in his power to make another appearance at the big game in college football. Being an Irish coach, Kelly had a bright idea of having a real life Leprechaun added to the roster, to improve their chances, and luck of having a great season.

“We know how hard Leprechauns can be to come across, so we hired special agents to go over to Ireland, and do what ever it took to bring us back a new team charm” said Coach Kelly

It didn’t take long for the special agents to come back with the lucky charm, and Coach Kelly couldn’t be more enthused. He truly feels this will be the deal maker for their season.

“Listen, we didn’t go to Ireland at all, we just stole a red haired midget off the street, and put a green suit on him. Coach Kelly is happy, we got paid, and as long as this little dude keeps his mouth shut everything will be just fine” said the special agent, who wanted his name left private.

Headlines, NCAA BB, News

Duke Still Thinks They Can Win The Tournament

March 27, 2014 JP Leave a comment

RALEIGH, NC—

The fast paced March Madness Tournament has taken flight once again, and like every year upsets have already taken place. One of the biggest upset so far has to be Dukes lose to a unknown team, Mercer.

Devastated fans faces flooded the television as Duke fell short to a team that shouldn’t have been a challenge at all to the historic men’s basketball team. Outraged and upset dukes head coach is still keeping a positive attitude, and is taking the loss as a learning experience.

“We got beat fair, and square we didn’t play our best, but that’s no excuse” said Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski

“You learn from this games how to better your team, and come out fighting for the next round of the tournament, are eyes are still set on winning this thing”

Confused by this statement we asked Krzyzewski what he meant exactly.

“Well we lost one, but are journey doesn’t end here we are waiting to see who we play next, and we will prepare for that team. Our goal is the sweet 16, then elite 8, final four, and then the whole kit and caboodle.”

We then continued to remind Krzyzewski that the tournament was a single elimination style, and that Duke was done until next year.

“What!? I thought it was double elimination!” said the coach

Nope…

“Aww, you have to be f**king kidding me! I’ve been getting this kids fired up for next week. So we are done?”

We conituned to tell the coach that he has to be kidding, as this isn’t his first appearance in the tourney, and that it has been run the same way for years.

“You know the years of coaching may have gotten to my head, and it slipped my mind. But like I said we will be back next week stronger”

News

Tiger Woods Breaks Record at Mini Putt Course, Ruins a Child Birthday Party

March 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA-

It was a great day to be outside this past Saturday in North Carolina, for some at least. One child may have decided to stay in his house if he knew what he was about to face that afternoon.

Billy Thomas age 6 and 1/2, had a birthday party that Saturday at a local mini putt golf course by his house. He invited all of his friends from class, and even a crush he had in another school. Reports tell us that Billy was so excited for the event he couldn’t sleep the night before.

Things were going great until pro golfer Tiger Woods showed up to the course completely out of the blue. When first arriving the kids of the party began cheering, and greeting Woods like a hero. Then, a source tells us Woods said this sentence “I’m not here for fans, I’m here to play”.

Woods sunk a hole in one on the very first par, and began to mock the children to try to get on his level. He continued to completely destroy these poor children on the course, even eating Billy’s very last piece of cake. “Cake is for winners” said Woods “I felt really good about how I played today, I felt like everything was going my way, and to be honest the competition here didn’t have a chance. Granted, some of them had to quit because it was nap time, I’m still feeling good about how I played.”

With this win Tiger did not only break a new record at the course, he is also the new proud owner of a golf ball he got to keep for winning, and a free ice cream sundae with two toppings.

“I know they say I can only get two topping of the sundae, but come I’m Tiger f**king Woods!”

Headlines, News

Nascar Driver Carl Edwards Charged With DUI For Racing Drunk

March 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

DAYTONA, FL—

Reports of Carl Edwards a professional Nascar driver, being charged with a DUI is hitting all the local news.

The event happened this past Tuesday at a small Nascar event being held in Daytona, FL. Suspicions began to blossom that Edwards was intoxicated after doing celebratory donuts, before the race even began. Although, even with the suspicion Edwards was still able to enter the race, and it made it clear that he would be the victor of the race. In only his under wear he climbed to the top of his car and began to moon, and flip of his competitors.

“I thought he was just dun good and fired up, that’s kind of what America’s all about, not giving a F” said local Nascar fan.

Edwards started the race in 3rd for about 4 seconds before slamming into a wall to the right of him. Oddly enough Edwards put on his right turn signal before slamming into the wall. With his collision he took out almost half the racers, and when the medics came to check on him that’s when things got really messy.

“He had about 40 empty beer cans in his car, and a picture of Keith Urban that seemed to have been kissed” said the responding medic.

After getting Edwards out of the car…finally he began to blow up, and screamed that he was still going to win this race. He began to take the course on by foot. Only after one lap did he begin to vomit on himself, and put his thumb in the air in an attempt to hitch hike the rest of the course.

Edwards was finally stopped by the police once they pulled over the car he had hitch hiked his way into. When stopped by the cops and told he would be charged he blew up claiming how could he get a DUI if he wasn’t driving? The police told him that he was driving before he got into this car, and pointed to the mess that he left behind.

News, NFL

Tom Brady Gets Caught with Naked Pictures of Himself

March 25, 2014 JP 1 Comment

FOXBOROUGH, MA—

Coming into the NFL season eyes of course will be all over the franchise quarterbacks. You know the guys who put up huge numbers, and have Super Bowl rings on their fingers. One of which will be Tom Brady, the starting QB for The Patriots. He has done a lot in his career, and is constantly under the spot light. So much so, that this past Saturday a fellow team mate was going through his locker, and found naked pictures of Tom Brady.

“I went to see if he had my stolen ham sandwich is his locker, and then boom!” said Rob Gronkowski. “In one photo he was posing as if he just threw a touchdown, and his arms, and another part of his body were raised in a score pose.”

With news of this breaking out, we got a moment to speak with Tom himself about the issue. Like always he stayed humble, and modest as we asked about the situation.

“Well, you know Tom is just such a handsome guy, and at that level of beauty it has nothing to do with homosexuality, at that level it is art” said Tom Brady. We continued to ask him why he was speaking in third person.

“Well, Tom is a great player, he is handsome, and he really has a great attitude about life” said Tom.

Confused and frustrated about not getting anywhere with him, we decide to give him a high five (Which he forced on us), and leave the conversation on that.

In other news Rob Gronkowski reported to us that he finally found that lost ham sandwich he’d been looking for.

“I forgot that I left in my helmet, until during practice when another teammate hit me, and I thought I was bleeding mayo. Thank god I had it in their though, it could have done serious problems to my brain”.