Is there some rule out there we don’t know about that states that founders of major DIY retail chains have to get involved in politics eventually? We saw that the people behind Hobby Lobby were all too eager to jump out of their lane (craft supplies) when the moment arose, and now and it is becoming clear that they learned by watching the founder of Home Depot, who just can’t stay out of the political arena (made in part, presumably, withPremium Birrill Fir Studs).
Bernie Marcus wrote a piece for Real Clear Politics to announce that he is supporting Donald Trump. Granted, he is a home improvement store founder, so no one really asked him, but he did it, we have it, and we are moving forward with the new information now. If someone were to ask me, I’d say he’s just doing the same thing people speculated Ben Carson and Chris Christie might have been doingwhen they came out in favor of Trump. In the same way there were rumors that Carson and Christie were simply gunning for a chance at being vice president or getting into Trump’s cabinet, I think Marcus just wants to make sure that if Trump gets the presidency, Home Depot becomes the Official Sponsor of the Mexico-America Wall.
Anyway, asking yourself what Marcus’ reasoning is? Here are a few snippets.
A plug for the American Dream/Home Depot came first:
But I draw even more from lessons learned when we founded The Home Depot in 1978 rather than from the contentious GOP primary of 2016. I genuinely believe that if we to started The Home Depot today, we would fail because of the hurdles government, especially the current administration, places in front of small business owners. I never forget The Home Depot’s small business roots – we started as a small business with four stores in Atlanta, Georgia.
Next came a just-because sort of attack on media and academia:
Politicians like Obama and Clinton, aided by the media and academia, have peddled a dangerous sentiment that government can provide for Americans better than the private sector.
That shade on media and academia came amidst glorification of the job creation inherent in the founding of small businesses. Note that Marcus took time to praise his employees who have been able to get wealthy without college degrees, but in one quick statement, took a swipe at everyone who works at a university, lab, library, newspaper, television station, etc. So, are jobs really the main focus here at all?
He concluded by targeting the #NeverTrump Republicans:
As a GOP donor who stood steadfastly behind Jeb Bush– and who has contributed to candidates for a generation – I urge all Republicans to stand up and be counted in support for Donald Trump.
In time, we will surely learn the political inclinations of every founder, mogul, and, in Marcus’ words, “young [man willing] to shag carts from a parking lot because he has faith that he and his family can be great.” Marcus is just one of the first of many this election season.
In conclusion, make repainting your living room for the ninth time because you’re so bored and lonely that it physically hurts and maybe a sea-foam green accent wall will fill the void your ex-girlfriend left great again or something.
SAN ANTONIO, Texas –
UPDATE: The validity of this article could not be confirmed. According to the San Antonio Spurs, no one named Brendan Kelly was working as a contractor during this time.
Brendan Kelly, a mechanical contractor working at the AT&T center, was arrested today after security footage showed him tampering with the air conditioning unit during game 1 of the NBA finals. Kelly, a die-hard Spurs fan, was quoted as saying he thought that sabotaging the air conditioning would make it extremely difficult for the Spurs’ opponents, the Miami Heat, to play, thus making him a fortune with his bookie.
“I just wanted to give my boys an edge, and I saw a perfect opportunity here.” Kelly said during a police interview. “Nothing wrong with making a little scratch on a game, right?”
The heat inside the AT&T Center had reached almost 90 degrees by the end of the third quarter, and not only was it taking a toll on the Heat, causing star player LeBron James to sit out part of the the game with cramps caused by dehydration, it wasn’t doing any favors for the Spurs, either.
“I don’t think I’ve ever played in anything like this since I left the islands,” said Tim Duncan, center for the Spurs and a native of St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands.
Despite complaints from everyone in the building, referees and coaches were never consulted about stopping the game. According to Rod Thorn, Vice President of Operations for the NBA, because players were not “slipping on condensation,” there was never any talk during the game of stopping play.
“We rarely would stop a game, especially in the playoffs.” Said Thorne.
Official word from representatives for the AT&T Center was that their system was just malfunctioning. Now that Kelly has been arrested for the tampering, they have backpedaled in their stance on the matter.
“We were under the assumption that our air conditioning system was malfunctioning, and that was our initial report.” Said Raymond McNeil, director of the AT&T Center. “With Mr. Kelly being taken into police custody, we are supporting them in any way we can to make sure he is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”
Kelly is being charged with 1st degree vandalism and placing illegal bets on a sports game, both felonies in the state of Texas.
The latest findings from a company in New York are turning out to be an eye opener for the UFC. Trigodroid, Inc., a research company, released their data earlier today that showed that an astounding 62% of UFC fans are using some type of steroid. The study, which originally was designed to judge the health of average sports fans, was adjusted after the topic of steroids and the UFC were brought up by interviewees multiple times.
What researchers discovered is that the aggressive behavior displayed during UFC events was contributing to the high rate of steroid use among the fans. Shannon Smith, a manager for Trigodroid, told us that “‘Roid rage” was high amongst the arm waving, chest flexing, neck tattooed, growling fans.
“Most normal sports fans do not exhibit the barbaric behavior seen at each live UFC event. You don’t see basketball or baseball fans acting crazy for the cameras.” Said Smith. “Sure, you might see that kind of thing at a monster truck event or by fans of the NFL, but that behavior is most likely just the result of generations of inbreeding and poor education, not steroid abuse.”
Another statistic from the poll shows that the rage fans show is not solely isolated to live events. UFC fans who watch at home are eight times more likely to destroy their own property than any other group of sports fans. Smith told us that handyman services saw a 35% increase in service calls in area codes with high PPV buy rates after the last UFC bout.
“It is truly amazing that these people get so caught up in the fight action, not to mention the syringes filled with growth hormones intended for cattle, that they break TVs, punch walls, and set couches ablaze.”
If all the data that was gathered turns out to be accurate, then Trigodroid will be talking with and testing fans of other sports, starting with UFC competitor Bellator MMA, as well as fans of NASCAR and professional bowling.
WASHINGTON, DC — Notorious boxing champion Floyd “Money” Mayweather Jr. is no stranger to flashing his money around publicly, but this weekend he shocked many on the streets of Washington D.C. by flashing more than just money.
According to several eye-witnesses, an apparently intoxicated Mayweather got a little too fresh with some women passing by outside of a club in D.C. before dropping his pants and yelling obscenities towards the women.
“He was in large group of men, some that looked like body guards, and he started flashing a whole lot of money at some women passing by,” said Joseph Goldsmith, who witnessed the altercation. “I guess he didn’t like that the women ignored him because he started taking his clothes off and yelling something like, ‘you know you want this, bitch’.”
Witnesses said Mayweather and his group hopped in to a nearby car and fled before police arrived.
DC Police say they may have enough evidence to arrest Mayweather for indecent exposure as several witnesses had captured cell-phone photos of the incident although no charges have been officially filed.
Mayweather, nor anyone from his camp have commented on the allegations.
According to Charlotte police, as Jordan and his wife were pushing their babies in a stroller a man approached them and asked for Jordan’s autograph before reaching in to the stroller and grabbing one of the twins. Yvette was able to grab the baby before the man could get away, but he was able to remove the baby’s shoes before fleeing.
According to the police report, the custom baby shoes stolen by the man were worth nearly $3000.
“It was absolutely terrifying,” said Joseph Goldsmith of Charlotte, who witnessed the crime. “I saw Jordan walking with his kids and then this crazy looking dude came up and tried to take his kid right out of his stroller.”
The man has not yet been captured. He was described as a black male in his 20’s or 20’s last seen wearing baggy jeans and a hooded sweatshirt.
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA- News out of California never really shocks me anymore, but when the report surfaced about stand up comedian Joe Rogan killing a mountain lion, I was in disbelief. Rogan, who also does commentary for the UFC and is a black belt Jiu Jitsu fighter, was injured only slightly in the bizarre confrontation with the wild animal. Mr. Rogan was taken to a local hospital but released very shortly afterwards.
The incident happened last night outside of The Icehouse Comedy Club, in Pasadena, at about 2 AM. Rogan and his crew of comedian pals were leaving the club after a night of performances when they were saw a shadowy creature lurking behind a dumpster in the parking lot. Rogan’s friend and stoner podcast assistant, Brian Redban said, “I freaked out when I realized that thing was no house cat. I was really high when I left the club so I was not sure what I saw was really a f**king mountain lion. I was really high when I left the club. Really high”.
According to a police report, Rogan was able to get the big cat into “one of them Kung Fu holds, then somehow used his belt to choke the lion to death.” Joey Diaz, a Rogan associate who was with the group during the incident, told us, “I got the hell out of there as soon as I saw the damn lion. I love my friends but I was certain we were all going to get eaten alive, so I just ran. I only recently started doing Jiu Jitsu so I would not have been much help to Joe. I was glad to hear later that they survived the encounter. I love those guys.”
We spoke with the director of Wildlife Management in L.A., Timothy Green, and he was shocked that Joe Rogan was able to fight off a mountain lion, much less kill it. “Mountain lions are ferocious killers and a human being should not be able to kill one without a gun. The fact that Mr. Rogan survived the attack and then choked the big cat out of existence, truly amazes me. Either he is the baddest comedian in history or that cat was disease stricken and close to death already when they met up.”
We checked back with Brian Redban to see if he thought there could have been something wrong with the lion that helped Rogan kill the predator. “Oh no, that thing was at full strength, no doubt SON!. In fact I would put money on Joe versus another lion or tiger or any animal really. He is a martial arts expert who has went on multiple psychedelic trips, so he is not your average human. He is on some kind of Matrix level.”
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY— On the first Saturday in May each year, celebrities gather at historic Churchill Downs in the heart of a town not normally associated with the glitz and glamour, and sometimes drama, of celebrity life.
Following the event many celebs find their way to the local pub and clubs to partake in the many post-Derby festivities around town.
While most remain uneventful, some patrons at a strip club on Preston Hwy in Louisville called Trixies got a taste of celebrity drama as a verbal fight between pop celeb Miley Cyrus and porn star Ron Jeremy ended with Cyrus being escorted out of the club.
According to the club’s manager, Ron Jeremy was hosting the Derby event at the club. At some point while Jeremy was talking with some fans near the bar area, he was approached by a, according to many, highly intoxicated Miley Cyrus who, “thought he should die for ripping off her video.”
Apparently, Miley was upset over Ron Jeremy’s spoof remake of her Wrecking Ball video and thought a Derby party at a strip club would be the most appropriate time to vent her complaints.
Several witnesses claimed to have witnessed Cyrus trying to punch Jeremy in the face before club bouncers were forced to escort the heated Cyrus from the club.
“It was the funniest thing I ever saw,” said club goer Brendan Kelly of Flint, Michigan. “She [Cyrus] was yelling and trying to punch him [Jeremy] and he was just sitting back and laughing. Then when Miley was kicked out of club everyone in the entire place started cheering. He’s a legend and she’s a skanky bitch.”
A video crew who was filming in the club for an upcoming reality tv show featuring the club’s dancers and staff said they caught most of the fight on film and plan to release the video as bonus footage to their upcoming show.
Police officers outside of the club threatened to arrest Cyrus for PUI and disorderly conduct before she left with a friend.
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY— The cheers of fans turned to gasps Saturday afternoon at Churchill downs as an otherwise uneventful race turned tragic after a mid-race collision sent several jockeys flying to the ground and left one jockey dead.
Two jockeys were injured and taken away from Churchill Downs by ambulance after a scary collision during the third race of the Kentucky Derby day slate.
Jockey Megan Fadlovich complained of concussion symptoms, and fellow rider Marcelino Pedroza Jr. complained of lower back pain after the incident, which appeared to start when two horses clipped heels. Both jockeys were alert and moving all extremities as they were taken to nearby Audubon Hospital for further examination, a track spokesman said.
Back at the track, a tragedy unfolded that has left many stunned.
A third jockey who was dismounted in the incident, James Graham, broke his leg so severely that trainers were forced to perform emergency medical procedures on location and accidentally injected him with a lethal dose of the drug barbiturates, a drug that is commonly used to euthanize horses.
“I really had no idea what to do,” said horse trainer Joseph Goldsmith, “I was forced into a situation that I was not properly trained to handle and I made a mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I was trained that broken legs get that injection but I was only trained for horses, not humans.”
“This is the type of thing that happens when you let horse trainers make perform medical procedures on humans,” said Bruce Moore, a lifelong animal right activist who watched the entire scene unfold. “But I think it’s karma coming back for all the horses that got put down after breaking their legs.”
Representatives from Churchill Downs have not yet commented on the events. They are expected to release a statement sometime after their team of lawyers figure out a way to absolve them of all responsibility.
Just hours after NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced a lifetime NBA ban of Donald Sterling his girlfriend, Vanessa Stiviano, twisted the knife a little deeper as she released yet another audio tape in which Sterling can be heard saying that he thinks black people are only 3/5th of a human.
If there were any doubts that this old geezer was a full blown racist, this new tape will surely put those to rest. Some of the things that can be heard on the new audio are simply unbelievable.
Anyway, you can listen to Donald Sterling’s latest rant in it’s full glory here: