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Opinion

All-President’s Basketball Squad: Happy Belated President’s Day!

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barack bball
Barack Played in HS, and installed a court at the White House

In honor of President’s Day yesterday, the staff at empiresports.co has decided to release it’s listing of the first ever All-Presidents Basketball Squad. A team composed entirely of our commanders-in-chief, hope you enjoy and feel free to list your own thoughts below in the comment section.

*During the President’s Athletic Prime*

Point Guard – Barack Obama: Obama played in high school, the only president with organized experience in the game of hoops, and while it has been reported that he was cut from an intramural team in college (they make cuts at that level!?) our current POTUS has also installed a basketball court in the White House, which leads me to believe he spent at least some time there honing his skills.

NBA COMPARISON – Isiah Thomas: The Pistons Isiah Thomas by the way. In my head I picture Obama as a bit of a scoring threat who also isn’t afraid to dish the rock, as well as somebody who can hold up his share of the bargain on the defensive end.

Shooting Guard – John F. Kennedy: Though he was known to struggle with extreme back problems, old JFK played some football at Harvard, as well as holding particularly vicious pick-up football games throughout his life including his presidency.  Plus, going through the whole Cuban Missile Crisis would lead you to believe that JFK would be the go to option in close game situations.

NBA COMPARISON –  Dwayne Wade:  JFK seems like the kind of the guy who would be quick off the dribble and then could smother you defensively.  I like to think that Mr. Kennedy is just as smooth of a player as he was with the ladies.

Small Forward – George H.W. Bush: A little known fact is that the elder Bush played baseball at Yale, and he played it well. His Bulldog team even made it to the College World Series in 1948, a season in which he hit for the cycle against North Carolina. His apparent athleticism makes him the perfect fit at the 3.

NBA COMPARISON – Larry Bird: H.W. would be asked to do it all on the team, spot up from 3, get a few boards, defend the other teams best player. Also, like Larry Bird, Bush’s athleticism is something generally forgotten about.

Power Forward – George Washington: Okay, I know basketball wasn’t invented at that point, but come on… Can’t you see the General playing some crazy defense and grabbing every single board? One of the taller presidents, and extremely tall for his time period, Washington would know how to use his size to defeat opponents that seem to be much stronger and larger (see: Revolutionary War) could he lead our squad to the playoffs like he led the army across the Delaware? One could only hope.

NBA COMPARISON – Ben Wallace: Despite the fact that Washington never sported a sick afro like Big Ben, the comparison is the closest fit I believe. Ben was not the tallest, though pretty tall, and was a lockdown defender and great rebounder who left a little to be desired on the offensive end, though he could still hold is own.

Center – Abraham Lincoln: Was there any doubt about this one? The tallest president, Honest Abe was a pretty big fan of baseball and played it recreationally. Also, Abe would presumably be the team’s leader if there was any inter-squad conflict. Tall and lanky, Lincoln would provide some versatility at the 5.

NBA COMPARISON – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: It’s hard to picture Abe doing anything else on the court but spotting up from the free-throw line with a great big sky-hook. The great emancipator would never be the fanciest of players, but god damn, he would be able to play some beautiful basketball.   Honorable Mentions: Jimmy Carter (he just looks like the 3 point specialist you call off the bench) George W. Bush (Bush played football at Yale, plus you’d get the whole Ken Griffey Jr/Sr thing so that’s cool) William Howard Taft (Taft weighed 340 pounds, just imagine that backing you down in the post) Dwight Eisenhower (A star linebacker at West Point and a successful military general, he would bring good court awareness and IQ as well as some natural ability)

News, Olympics, Uncategorized

Olympic Judge “Half Of These Rules Are Made Up”

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"Who thought of this? Who said, 'Hey skiing is great an everything but you know what it needs? Rifles.'"
“Who thought of this? Who said, ‘Hey skiing is great an everything but you know what it needs? Rifles.'”

 

SOCHI – After years of speculation from the average fan that there is no way somebody sat down and wrote down a set rule book for all these “dumb little sports” a 2014 Winter Games Judge, who asked us to keep his identity secret, has admitted that “a large portion, probably half of these rules are completely made up. Utter bullshit.” The judge also said that many times he has been asked to judge events he’d never heard of until hours before the event. “Christ, I remember get asked to judge that freaking biathlon, at first I’m thinking ‘Okay, just looks like a normal cross-country skiing type of thing seems normal enough’ and then they start pulling out weapons. I mean who thought that up? Who sat down and said hey skiing is fun and all but you know what it needs? Rifle shooting.”

This came, surprisingly, as not much of a shock to the athletes. “Oh, I had my suspicions when on my scorecard somebody just wrote ‘really sweet spins, but your outfit doesn’t do much for your body,” said figure skater Annete Rogers of the United States, “hell, to be honest I barley know the rules. I’m out there dancing to a song on ice, you tell me how to score that.”

But where does it stop? After digging a little farther I found out that it wasn’t just the judges and athletes who were clueless, it’s even found its way into the television booth reaching the announcers. An announcer from Men’s Slopestyle told our staff, “Have you heard some of the names I’m coming up with in the booth? You think there’s actual names for these things? No. I’m bucking for a hosting job on a new morning television show but instead I’m in this godforsaken country coming up with moves called the ‘McTwist’ and ‘Shredding the Gnar’ what does that even mean? Shredding the Gnar?”

“Though it hasn’t quite been reduced to flipping a coin to determine the winner… it’s pretty damn close.” Said our anonymous Olympic Judge. “In a weird way, this should energize the fans, you know just as much, if not more than I do! Oh shit, I gotta run I’m due to judge the two-men bobseld finals. Haha, this should be a fun one.”

News

Tragedy: Fans Who Stuck Around For Bruno Mars’ Marathon Concert Dead

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Bruno, who seemingly had no idea of the events occurring, sings happily well into the ninth day of this concert
Bruno, who seemingly had no idea of the events occurring, sings happily well into the ninth day of this concert

RUTHERFORD, NJ – Though the average fan had thought the NFL season had wrapped up, the devoted fans note that halftime performer, Bruno Mars, was still performing days and even weeks after the end of the televised portion of his concert. While many though this was the end of the performance, it was merely the beginning. A diehard group of fans stuck around, and sadly the event staff at MetLife stadium weren’t able to produce the necessary provisions for the estimated 2,500 people there. Reports indicate at least six people died and a handful more are still recovering in a local New Jersey hospital.

The staff at empiresports.co was lucky enough to speak to one of the survivors, Pro-Milkshake Critic, Dianne Hansen, who had these harrowing comments: “The staff stopped showing up to clean the restrooms, it quickly became a Zoo, the Superbowl was on Sunday, I’d say by Wednesday the field was just stricken with feces and urine. I mean, don’t get me wrong listening to Bruno for literally hundreds of hours was well worth it, and it’s a shame so many people died.”

A spokesperson from the NFL, Darrell Stephens was spoken with, he released a statement saying, “While we are horrified and shocked at the brutality and death count of this concert, what the hell were these people thinking staying at this concert for so long? What did they eat?”

Stephens did raise some interesting thoughts, for that we dug into security tapes of the field. You can see early on that people began as you may expect, they first exhausted the stadium vendors, quickly moving to wild birds they had trapped. However, once the birds wised up the humans reacted in a way that appears to be ripped out of some sort of Stephen King film or what one might come to expect from a starving wagon circle in the Oregon Trail in the 19th century: they began resorting to cannibalism. Happily we report the youngest victim of these horrid crimes was only 19, so no minors were eaten alive.

Bruno Mars, the performer, seemed to not take any notice of it when pressed by our crack squad of journalists he merely said “Jesus, they were ——- eating each other out there? I knew they sounded weird. Weird and like, really, really hungry. Oh Christ not again my publicist is gonna chew my — out.”

Fans who did survive the melee and violence vehemently asked the writer of the story to include the fact that despite the gore, feces, and death the concert was great.

“Seriously, on the 8th day he did a version of ‘Wanna Be A Billionare’ like you couldn’t believe. Two thumbs up!” -Barbara Sands, Spanish Language Enthusiast

“Despite the fact I can’t get the taste of human blood out of my mouth, it was a excellent show. I gained a lot of respect for Bruno.” -Barney Lyon, Alexander Hamilton Impersonator

“Though around the 6th night there was a tiny bit of a lull, he really rebounded, day 11 was my personal favorite. I mean my mother was eaten alive on day 6 so maybe that marred my memory a bit.” -Aaron Fransisco, Welcome Mat Maker

 

News

Between X-Games, Australian Open, and Winter Olympics, Fans Exhausted With Sports They Don’t Care About

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Fans all across the country have been expressing “fatigue” and “fan overload” with having to cheer on teams and athletes in games they don’t understand simply because they feel obligated.

Guidance Counselor at Fargo Middle School Leo Savage expressed the view of many tiring fans when he said, “I can hardly keep up, first the X-Games all over ESPN at night and the F—– Australian Open all over ESPN2 in the mornings I feel like I have to watch these events, yknow? Those execs at ESPN get paid big money, they wouldn’t put boring sports on the television would they?…. Would they!?”

Surely, it has seemed like the sporting networks have been dominated by sports that only your weird friend from High School and your rebellious cousin who has been living off Monster energy drinks for the past eight years watch.

Echoing the confusion of many fans, Smoothie Stand employee Maria Ramos pondered the following, “Honestly, I thought the X-Games were just apart of the winter Olympics or something like that? They really think there’s a market to play those weird, cold, sports more than just once every four years? Hell, more power to them.”

And as if the three events weren’t already enough for the average sports fan, the perpetual hell that is the NASCAR season is about to start up, so you’re going to be asked about that at your next family gathering by your uncle that insists on wearing long , over-sized, polo shirts with the sleeves cut off.

So the question remains, what is it that keeps the fans watching? In short: American pride. Said professional snow shoveler Barnaby Pepper “All those sports have no teams, they all are representing country.. I think. Unless there is like Tennis Clubs or something. Plus, who is the relevant American tennis player anyways? Is Roddick still around or no? I have no idea. I was waking up at 3 in the morning to watch a sport I couldn’t care less about. God damnit. This point goes to national media. Fifteen-love. See? I did learn something.”

 

News

New Study Shows That There Are Zero Milwaukee Bucks Fans

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A stadium (half) full of pitiers and people there ironically
A stadium (half) full of pitiers and people there ironically

MILWAUKEE – According to a brand new study commissioned by the NBA, the Milwaukee Bucks professional franchise does not claim even one single fan. The study, which took polls and survey’s from all across the country and concluded that nobody, not even the players families can call themselves a true fan of the team.

Even people that were at the stadium watched the games said things like:

“Oh god, these guys? Yeah it’s cool and everything but we’re here mostly because we feel bad. If we don’t watch them, who will?”

“Honestly, the only reason I come is because the concession stand in row 108 is unbelievable. Seriously, go try those chili cheese fries you will not be disappointed.”

One question that was used as a paramater was simply, “name a single player on the Milwaukee Bucks roster” Here were some of the responses:

Season ticket holder Jerry Ramon said, “Christ, on the spot? Uhh we just traded for a guy, maybe his name is… It begins with a B I swear, Bryan maybe, Bryan? Is there a Bryan?”

NBA Analyst Doris Burke provided this answer, “I have no clue. Truthfully, if you wouldn’t of reminded me there was a team in Wisconsin I would’ve never, ever, EVER, remembered.”

Even Bucks General Manager Jeff Hammond was hard pressed to think of a player on his team, “We drafted somebody this year, I was just at his house for a barbecue too… Real nice guy. I can see his face but I can’t put a name to it. Nope, sorry.”

When we finally got ahold of NBA Commissioner David Stern’s office to ask about possible relocation, a spokesperson gave us the following statement:

“While we understand that there are cities out there like St. Louis, San Diego, Baltimore, Cincinnati, and of course Seattle, that could do a much better job with a franchise, we wouldn’t want to burden anyone with the pure boredom that is the Milwaukee Bucks roster.”

 

News, NFL

Three Broncos Players Express Dismay Saying “Football Takes Up So Much Time”

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tim-tebow-tebowingDENVER – Three Bronco players have complained to top officials within the organization that “they just want the season to be over,” and that “listen I signed up for 16 games, and then you add on preseason, minicamp, it’s just all a bit much.”

The players who, Team Executive, John Elway says will prefer to remain anonymous “have some legitimate beefs, I know this season has dragged on a bit, but I keep telling the guys, just keep holding on you know, few more days. We’ve tried everything, we even have started a tradition called ‘Movie Monday’ the whole team went and saw Frozen, super cute movie, by the way.”

One of the chief concerns is that the players are not having enough time to enjoy the millions of dollars they receive to play the game, one of the players expressed this concern saying “Listen, I know we’re paid a s— ton, but honestly, we can barley even enjoy all that stuff. Plus, playing in the league will literally turn my brain into apple sauce so once I’m done in football… the next forty years for my mind are going to be like a soft background static on the television, so what’s even the point?”

At press time, the players were given the day off and told to “relax, have a little ‘me time’.”

 

News, NFL

Super Bowl Was Held Yesterday At Earth’s Core To Avoid Inclement Weather

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2612f0ef8479784324cdfff22e467c7bEARTH’S CORE – Roger Goodell held a press conference today informing the country that the Super Bowl, the countries biggest sporting event was held yesterday, in a super secret facility in the Earth’s core.

“Yes, to avoid the possibility of snow and cold, we decided it would be best if we moved it straight underground. We have actually discovered a place within the molten crust where you can literally control environment. After mulling over countless options: playing the game as scheduled, moving the game around, even moving it to another place on the surface of Earth were all discussed, but this was the only credible option.”

The game was played in front of 0 fans, only the teams and referees, and Mr. Goodell were allowed down. The Seahawks won 24-17.

“Oh my god, it was a hell of a game if that makes you guys feel any better! Jesus, a last second interception return by none other than Richard Sherman, just really a picture perfect game. Damn shame you guys missed it.” Goodell said the game wasn’t taped, but he did remember a few plays, “oh yeah, I remember this one play and one of those big guys, number 67 I think, on the Broncos just had quite a block, probably a six, seven yard rush. Real fluid though.”

The best part though, was the halftime show, according to players “They literally found a species of what must be some sort of imp or something and these little dudes could just shred on the guitar, totally gnarly.” said Peyton Manning who also added, “by the way, I’m retired as hell now, ordered me like seventeen Papa John’s pizza and I’m just gonna go to town.”

At publication time Goodell was trying to remember what Seahawks corner, Richard Sherman, had to say after the game, “I remember he was real excited about something, I can’t remember what… I think it was like a good parking spot or something… Christ, what was he saying. I don’t know. Anyways, good season fellas!”