All posts by Frankie Minchia

Erin Andrews Suspended From Fox Sports; Forced To Finish High School

empire-sports-erin-andrews-suspended-fox-news-espn-fired-high-school-sex-tape-diplomaAccording to sources, Fox Sports mannequin Erin Andrews will take a leave of absence in order to study for her high equivalency diploma. Although her position requires no intelligence or expertise whatsoever, Andrews believes adding a GED to her portfolio will make her more marketable. Clearly, very little thought has gone into the matter.

Andrews was, of course, stripped of her high school diploma and Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Florida in 2004 when it was revealed she received passing grades from teachers and professors in exchange for sexual favors. She was subsequently hired by ESPN the same year. Many insiders believe she used Chris Berman’s infamous casting couch to procure a position with the all sports network.

“They don’t call him Boomer for nothing,” said analyst Tom Jackson. “Erin was hired after her first ‘interview’ with Chris, and was still walking with a conspicuous limp several days later.” (It is rumored that commentator Skip Bayless was hired under similar circumstances.)

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one Fox executive said this of Andrews: “We all had her, even the guys who didn’t have anything to do with her next promotion. This is one woman willing to do anything to get on TV… and then some.”

Embarrassed by the scandal, Andrews went public and, during an emotional press conference, admitted that, despite graduating from high school and college, she had never learned to read or write.

Inspired by her inexplicable popularity, Andrews received Cosmopolitan magazine’s “Against All Odds” award, and was praised for “making her mark in a man’s profession despite an obvious inability to think coherently and form intelligible sentences.” Andrews would later serve as the focus of an article entitled, “How to Sleep Your Way to the Top.”

It is a well-known television industry secret that Andrews worked as a high-priced call-girl while at the U of F in order to pay her way through college. Perhaps it was this sordid chapter of her life that motivated Erin to become a spokesperson for the “Leaving the Life” foundation, an organization dedicated to bringing normalcy to the lives of former prostitutes.

Tutors for Andrews report she is close to mastering her ABCs, and is scheduled to begin addition and subtraction lessons next week.

Michael Sam To Star In Gay Porn Version Of “Mandingo”

empire-sports-michael-sam-gay-porn-mandingo-nfl-scoutNEW YORK CITY—

On the verge of becoming the NFL’s first openly gay player, Michael Sam continues to push the envelope by announcing his intention to star in a gay porn version of the salacious Civil War-era sex-fest, “Mandingo.” Sam will reportedly play the lead role of Mede, a run-down plantation’s most virile breeding buck, portrayed in the original by former heavyweight boxing champ Ken Norton.

Sam’s agent, Cameron Weiss, was candid about his client’s ambitious decision.

“Michael’s greatest attributes are not always seen on the field,” said Weiss. “In fact, if you really want to see him perform, don’t miss this film.”

Last month, leaked pictures, allegedly of Sam’s penis, went viral on the Internet, and caused a sensation at the NFL Scouting Combine. Weiss denied the penis in question belonged to Sam, but a former lover, speaking on the condition of anonymity, was unequivocal about his opinion.

“Oh, that’s definitely Michael,” said the source. “I’d recognize his sausage anywhere.”

The situation took another bizarre turn when several Internet websites claimed to possess footage of Sam at the NFL Scouting Combine walking around with an erection. While this is impossible to determine with any degree of accuracy, if Sam wasn’t fully engorged, he is, without question, one of the most gifted men in North America.

NFL scouts don’t have an issue with Sam’s homosexual lifestyle, but have expressed concern about the tremendous girth of his massive unit. The prevailing wisdom among league GMs is that Sam’s potential teammates might be intimidated by the sheer size of the appendage.

Speaking off the record, one longtime league executive said this: “Nobody cares what somebody does in the privacy of their own home, but these guys have to shower together. The fear of many general managers is when other players get a look at that thing, they may very well quit the game.”

Another NFL insider claims that Sam’s purple-headed warrior dwarfs that of NFL Hall of Famer Marcus Allen, who was affectionately referred to by teammates as “Driftwood.” Allen was believed to have possessed the largest penis in NFL history before Sam burst onto the scene.

Regarding the film, Sam will play opposite well-endowed gay porn stars Navin Steed and T-Bone Johnson, and producer Abe Shapiro boasts that the movie climaxes with a cotton field orgy he described as, “Homeric.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would not comment on the film but did say he has been advised by others to wear a protective cup if he plans to hug Sam on draft day.


Kobe Bryant Scheduled To Undergo Michael Jackson-esque Surgery To Make Himself White

empire-sports-kobe-bryant-race-change-surgery-white-michael-jacksonLOS ANGELES, CA—

Frustrated and angry about the widespread criticism he has recently received from African-Americans, Kobe Bryant has scheduled a series of surgeries designed to make him white. He has hired one of the late Michael Jackson’s former surgeons and will begin treatments immediately. Bryant’s transformation from Negroid to Caucasoid will include a nose job, skin bleaching and, of course, penis reduction surgery.

Bryant incurred the wrath of African-Americans and the American Left during a recent interview when he said he didn’t support defending someone just because he is black. His comment was in reference to the shooting death of Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman.

“I won’t react to something just because I’m supposed to, because I’m African-American,” said Kobe. “That’s why I don’t eat fried chicken and watermelon. I don’t like ‘em. So I don’t eat ‘em. I’m not gonna eat fried chicken and watermelon just because that’s what black folks do. You want to know what I like to eat? Quinoa. That’s right. Quinoa. In fact, I’m very excited to announce that after the Lakers fail to make the playoffs, I’ll be releasing a book of recipes called “Kobe’s Quinoa Favorites.”

Bryant’s controversial statement immediately struck a chord with America’s social media minions, who unanimously denounced the fading NBA legend. Sources close to Bryant said he was furious over the backlash, and immediately began making plans to change his race.

When reached for comment, Bryant did not mince words. “I’ve had it with these ignorant burr-heads,” said Kobe. “I’m quittin’ hoops and moving to Vermont.”

Adding fuel to the fire, African-American civil rights leader Rev. Leonard Washington has announced a boycott of Bryant and the NBA. Washington believes Bryant should be forced to apologize or face suspension from the league.

“Mr. Bryant’s incendiary rhetoric is borderline treasonous to the black race,” said Washington. “Clearly, this is someone whose penchant for perverse behavior extends far beyond the bedroom.”

When informed of Bryant’s decision to surgically alter his race, Washington responded, “Well, one less sodomite in the hood is fine by me.”

Bryant refused further comment but has vehemently denied reports that he will be appearing in an upcoming infomercial for Proactiv Face Cream.