According to sources, Fox Sports mannequin Erin Andrews will take a leave of absence in order to study for her high equivalency diploma. Although her position requires no intelligence or expertise whatsoever, Andrews believes adding a GED to her portfolio will make her more marketable. Clearly, very little thought has gone into the matter.
Andrews was, of course, stripped of her high school diploma and Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Florida in 2004 when it was revealed she received passing grades from teachers and professors in exchange for sexual favors. She was subsequently hired by ESPN the same year. Many insiders believe she used Chris Berman’s infamous casting couch to procure a position with the all sports network.
“They don’t call him Boomer for nothing,” said analyst Tom Jackson. “Erin was hired after her first ‘interview’ with Chris, and was still walking with a conspicuous limp several days later.” (It is rumored that commentator Skip Bayless was hired under similar circumstances.)
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one Fox executive said this of Andrews: “We all had her, even the guys who didn’t have anything to do with her next promotion. This is one woman willing to do anything to get on TV… and then some.”
Embarrassed by the scandal, Andrews went public and, during an emotional press conference, admitted that, despite graduating from high school and college, she had never learned to read or write.
Inspired by her inexplicable popularity, Andrews received Cosmopolitan magazine’s “Against All Odds” award, and was praised for “making her mark in a man’s profession despite an obvious inability to think coherently and form intelligible sentences.” Andrews would later serve as the focus of an article entitled, “How to Sleep Your Way to the Top.”
It is a well-known television industry secret that Andrews worked as a high-priced call-girl while at the U of F in order to pay her way through college. Perhaps it was this sordid chapter of her life that motivated Erin to become a spokesperson for the “Leaving the Life” foundation, an organization dedicated to bringing normalcy to the lives of former prostitutes.
Tutors for Andrews report she is close to mastering her ABCs, and is scheduled to begin addition and subtraction lessons next week.
