All posts by dernest17

My name is Jaamal, Im from Compton California. Im 21 years old, I have 7 kids. I rap and write articles for' da empire.

Michael Jordan’s $30 Million Mansion Burned Down By LeBron James Extremist

April 18, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS—

Chicago firefighters and police responded to a massive fire this morning in a Chicago suburb at a $30 million mansion owned by NBA legend Michael Jordan. According to police, the fire was started by a man they claim to be an “extreme LeBron James fan”.

24 year old Jose Alvarez was arrested shortly after 11am driving near the scene in a heavily damaged pickup truck covered in Miami Heat stickers. Security cameras outside of Jordan’s mansion captured the man crashing his truck through the front gate of the property before throwing several Molotov cocktails into the house.

At one point, Alvarez can be heard yelling, “If you can’t take the Heat, stay out of the NBA!”

Alvarez is currently in custody in Chicago awaiting arraignment. Several Miami fans have raised questions about the incident and claim Michael Jordan is attempting to blame Heat fans while committing insurance fraud for a home he was having difficulty selling.

Jordan’s response today only fueled the Heat fan’s allegations, “Heck, that mansion was never going to sell and I got more Insurance money than it would sell for.”

LeBron James denies any connection to Alvarez and thinks that this is a disgrace to him and in no way shows that he is a better basketball player.

News

Michael Phelps Breaks Both Legs In Motorcycle Accident

April 14, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

BALTIMORE, Maryland-

Olympic swimming sensation Michael Phelps was involved in a motorcycle accident today which resulted in both of his legs being broken.

According to witnesses, Phelps was ran off of the highway by a merging taco truck which cut in front of his Harley motorcycle. Police say that the taco truck was at fault but Phelps was speeding when the accident happened.

Phelps is in the hospital with two broken legs, a broken left arm, and a dislocated left shoulder. Doctors say Phelps will be able to walk again but might not be able to recover to his full potential.

The taco truck driver is slightly injured but his taco truck is totaled. When Phelps gained consciousness at the hospital he said “Does Maryland support medical marijuana cause I could totally get stoned to take my mind off this pain”.

The company that owned the truck, “Poco’s Loco Tacos”, apparently did not have insurance but has offered Phelps a lifetime of free tacos.

Headlines, News, NFL

DeSean Jackson Injured In Drive-By Shooting From Angry Crips

April 3, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

This picture is of DeSean Jackson holding the Crips Hand Logo up.

WASHINGTON, DC—

Washington Redskins wide receiver DeSean Jackson was rushed to the hospital on Wednesday evening with minor injuries after being targeted in a drive-by shooting. Rumors that the drive-by was ordered by members of Jackson’s former gang.

DeSean was involved with the Crips before his career in football. Rumor has it that the “Compton Crips” sent out an executive order to kill him for signing with the Redskins and wearing rival gang “Bloods” colors.

When DeSean was released from the hospital today he said “I haven’t associated with these thugs in years, you know what they say, once a Crip, you always a Crip. Its just hard to believe my old homiez would try to kill me.”

DeSean still plans to play for the redskins and carry out his 3 year 24 million dollar contract. He is worried about more attacks but is confident police can keep him safe.

Shortly after the shooting we spoke to QB Robert Griffin III he commented “I think that DeSean is a great addition to the team but is not worth it if he is putting this team at risk”.

We will just have to wait and see how this violent “Beef” will end.

Headlines, News, NFL

Girlscouts And Denver Broncos Team Up To Sell Cookies Outside Of Marijuana Stores

March 20, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

Denver, Colorado—

After the NFL Season the Denver Economy started struggling Coach John Fox had an Idea how to support local profits and pump some money back into the City. City officials have approved the plan and the Denver Broncos have officially teamed up with the local Girl scouts to sell cookies to hungry marijuana customers.

Wide Receiver Demaryius Thomas said “I think it be great that we be pumpin’ cash back into Denver and maybe we get a little puff, puff, pass at this charity event”.

Local Marijuana users think that girl scout cookies are the perfect snack to fight off those “Munchies”. The girl scouts have raised 5.6 thousand dollars so far and will use that to give back to the Denver community.

Quarterback Peyton Manning proceeded to say that “Im really glad we can help out the Girl scouts and the Denver Economy at the same time! OMAHA!”.

Not only does this attract out of town guests but it raises the cookie sales and marijuana sales in Denver.

Denver has credited John Fox for the Idea and hopes other local towns will follow their lead. Denver’s Mayor, Michael Hancock has awarded John Fox with the “Towns Alive National Award” for bringing their economy back to life. Girlscouts and Denver both will be awarded from this smart move.

News, NFL

Rex Ryan and The New York Jets Awarded Oscar for Best Comedy of 2013-2014

March 3, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

Hollywood, California-

The New York Jets have finally won an award, Yes I know this is a bit of a shock but it is not a football related trophy. The Jets have been awarded a movie award in the comedy genre.

The Former Mountaineer, Quarterback Geno Smith said ” I never thought I would be winning a prestigious award like this, well maybe in football but not movies!”.

Rex Ryan was awarded the Oscar to put in the team’s trophy cabinet. Ryan tweeted “the only other achievement this big I have ever had was loosing 147 pounds on Jenny Craig”.

New York Jets fans rally in Times Square for the first time since the 80’s to rejoice the achievement from their favorite football team (picture below).

This is the first time in history that a documentary has won an oscar. People voted for the Jets documentary as the funniest movie of 2013-2014.

News, NFL

Ray Rice Arrested For Hitting His Fiancee In The Head With a Watermelon

February 22, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

Atlantic City, NJ-

Ravens running back Ray Rice and his fiancee Jayna Palmer have both been arrested for a physical altercation that occurred. The incident happened in Atlantic City Casino Friday night. Witnesses say that after leaving the casino, Ray’s fiancee apparently starting yelling at him and slapped him while walking down the street away from the Casino. After the slap the fight escalated quickly, they were next to a fruit stand where Rice grabbed a watermelon from the stand and bashed it over his fiancees head. She quickly fell to the ground and got up and grabbed a banana forcing it into Rice’s ear. The police were called and responded quickly, Ray Rice attempted to run from the police but slipped on a banana peel causing him to back his head on the concrete.

No serious injury occurred during the fight but Ray hit his head when he slipped on the banana peel from the fight and his fiancee being hit on the head with a watermelon. Both him and his fiancee were arrested for the dispute and had to pay for damaged fruits from the stand.

Ray and his fiancee have not talked anymore to the press about the altercation that occurred outside the casino.

News

Jamaican Bobsled Team Suspended From Olympics For Practicing While High

February 15, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

Sochi, Russia-

Today in Sochi the fan favorite Jamaican Bobsled team was Suspended from the Olympics for practicing under the influence of Marijuana. They were attempting the second out of their two practice runs that they are allowed to have before the official bobsled events begin.

Officials have done a toxicology report on the team and found that all but one member had marijuana in their system. Since the team has only one active member, by default the team has officially been suspended and removed from the 2014 Olympic bobsledding competition.

Team driver Winston Watts said “The Olympic games are an honor to be in but the pressure here in Sochi is very high. The team was just trying to calm down and get back to business”.

Marijuana has been a touchy subject around the world for a while now. The suspension of the Jamaicans has sparked an uproar of angry fans Rioting in the streets. The police are still fighting to contain the rioters and fear for the safety at a already unsafe Sochi games. We will just have to wait and see how this plays out.